How I Stopped Hating My Husband (And You Can Too)

Dirty DishesDinnertime used to be my least favorite part of the day, for a gazillion reasons – I wanted our meals to be as healthy and delicious as possible and so I knocked myself out to make meals that dazzled. In part because I’d worked so hard, I stressed about how much of this food actually made it in my kids’ mouths. Because my kids were small and needed to be in bed by about 7 or else they were total basket cases, I wanted the preparation and the consumption to happen in a timely manner. And then, there were the dishes. Oh, the dishes!

My husband and I had a basic understanding – whoever cooks doesn’t do dishes. Perfectly reasonable, right? The thing is, my husband is a soaker. He actually says, “I come from a long line of soakers.” Which is code for, “Sometimes I do the dishes, sometimes I just stick them in the sink.” Which means I’d emerge from putting the kids to bed and often see the kitchen in the exact same state as I had left it. This bugged me to no end.

Here’s what typically happened: I would start doing the dishes, hastily, feeling sorry for myself all the way. “Why do I have to do all the work around here? Why doesn’t anyone else care if our house is a mess?” It was pretty pathetic.

Then I got pissed off. I still did the dishes many nights, but now I did it noisily, hating my husband in my head. “This is wrong and you are a jerk!” I’d think to him in my mind. Once or twice I said things to this effect to him, and we had a big fight that didn’t leave either of us feeling any better.

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Now, I’d like to make it clear that I do love my husband. Even when I occasionally hate him. 🙂 I did not want to fight with him and I knew he wasn’t trying to torture me. So I thought about it and realized, having the dishes done is important to me. And while I still prefer that my husband do his fair share of the cleaning, my feeling either defeated or ticked off wasn’t serving anyone. So I started accepting that sometimes I did the dishes. I wasn’t enthused about it, at all, and while I was doing the dishes with this mindset, I’d spend a lot of my mental energy thinking things like“Scott is working like crazy at the moment to support us,” or, “He doesn’t value cleanliness in the same way I do, but since it’s more important to me, so I’ll just do it.” It was an improvement, but I was still spending a lot of energy on rationalizing why it was OK that I was doing the dishes.

Over time, I started to shed another layer of dish drama. I realized that the dishes need to get done for all our sakes, and sometimes that meant my husband would do it and sometimes it would be me; it wasn’t about keeping track of who did it and when. That was a big shift. It didn’t change the reality of how often I did or didn’t do the dishes, but it made a big difference in how much of a toll it took on me to do them.

Then something cool started to happen. I started to see the time I spent doing the dishes as a time to decompress. When I didn’t have to spend my time doing it thinking about all the ways it was wrong, I got to just go in to the zone where I was totally absorbed in what I was doing and my thoughts naturally quieted down. The dishes got done, AND I got a little mental downtime.

And here’s the really cool part – when I stopped judging whether or not I should be the one doing the dishes, my husband started doing them more. Not because we talked about it, but because the energy around the whole conversation shifted.

Now, I’m in an even different place. The dishes get done, or they don’t. If I do them, I think, great, I’ll savor this opportunity to get my mind and body working on the same task. If my husband does them, I think, great, I’m going to sit and read or play with the kids for 10 minutes, and just enjoy the fact that they are getting done. And if the dishes don’t get done – neither of us has the energy, for example – I just think, we both need to chill out now, they’ll get done tomorrow. And as a result, my angst over whether the dishes are done or not done has totally receded.

Over this process, it has removed a point of contention between me and my husband, which means we can just enjoy each other more. That feels really, really, really good.

It took maybe a year to get to this point. And while I didn’t know it at the time, it was a perfect representation of how shifting your perspective changes your experience. Imagine if you didn’t have to feel undervalued, perturbed, or judged by your husband! Can you imagine it? It’s completely possible.

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How I Stopped Hating My Husband (And You Can Too)
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289 thoughts on “How I Stopped Hating My Husband (And You Can Too)

  1. You know what else works? Saying thank you every day for the things your husband IS doing. And he feels vindicated, starts thanking you back for your contributions, and starts doing more! It’s like magic.

    1. Charis, great tip! I love it. Focusing on the positive (instead of the negative) is a great way to raise your energy, which just helps everything flow more easily. Thanks for sharing. — Kate

        1. So from a possibly older worn down perspective, my partner of 7 years does not wash clothes or dishes, he doesn’t bring in, fold or sort clothes. He doesn’t dust vacuum or clean the bathroom. He cooks 90% though and he is a great cook I love his food. no shopping, I look after his business and he always gets sad when I am late home from work….usually because im doing his accounts. He gambles, drinks and doesn’t like to have sex with me anymore but iam an old and less humourous these days. He is funny and gentle unless he is drunk..and for some reason I’m still with him but not sure why…..I says he loves me like no other I am his angel.. Well of course I am!!!!!! I had a house and 2 kids good job and a mortgage when i met him. He had a car debt a credit card debt and lived out of a suitcase when we met….now we have a bigger fancy house that i clean and a bigger mortgage and well…..i have too much to lose now by leaving….. Any way the food is good. He does stuff in the yard too like he is building a man cave so he can play music and smoke in there with his mates. My baby sister and her new little baby have moved into our garage we spent 10s of thousands getting it ready, so he needs somewhere to hang, my old caravan works nicely, last year he built a cattery for our cat. He likes to garden occasionally. He would like me to garden too but he knows I’m too busy on weekends matching his socks. did I say he is a terrific cook?

          1. You still with him? Are you happier? Honestly want to know because I could’ve written this!

          2. Yeah this article, frankly, is horse sh*t. It should be called “how to brainwash and take advantage of yourself!” Resentment is still there if youre not communicating how you feel. ‘Changing’ how you feel with sugary bs will water down the negativity for a time, but this article is just f*cked.

          3. I felt this to my core. My husband helps like 5% but at least he’s building whatever in the backyard and smoking in his man cave but also he does NOT cook haha

        2. Just use paper plates and plastic silverware. Disposable. Life is good . Your Issue could just be solved and you won’t use up all this energy writing about doing dishes

      1. I get where you’re coming from with this positive praise thing, but I don’t really know why I should praise him for reluctantly doing something I’ve requested he do, when I’ve never ONCE had a thank you for all the house work, cooking and washing I do on a daily basis. Why can’t men just grow the f*** up? I thought they were supposed to be the dominant sex, not need constant praise and attention for something a woman does daily without quibble. I think my partner is sexist without realising it.

        1. I agree, it’s not fair for one person to do everything and I’m not rewarding someone for not caring enough to help out

          1. Absolutely WE. It simply allows men to avoid having to grow up if we perpetuate this nonsense that men should be gushed over for doing the bare minimum. Men shouldn’t “help out” at home. Men just need to start contributing AT ALL and do their fair share of what it takes to run a household. And don’t even bother with the “but he works all day” crap because most women are out there working all day too, but women are still expected to take on the vast majority of the housework. Be better men. Just be better.

        2. I agree. I shouldnt need to constantly remind him to pick up his clothes or not. If I don’t tell him dirty clothes will stay there on the floor for months. Of I remotely say hey why dont you wake up instead sleep in so you can bond with your daughter, I get the whole “well you dont work.” It is Sat and you played video games for hours last night. Grow the fuck up.

        3. I also think many men are “sexist”, without even knowing it- but only because they have been deeply conditioned and brought up to be attuned to their own needs, the same way that women are deeply conditioned to be attuned to men’s needs. So most men, all in my experience, no matter how enlightened or smart or hip, are at least little selfish and they don’t know it. Because mommy always took care of them and they were sold this myth that women would just take care of them perfectly, just like mommy, forever. And they are literally taught by traditional culture, modern culture, the media, their fathers (And I have seen that one firsthand), that women exist to please and or serve them.
          So because of this, some men are disappointed, resentful, and feel unloved. if a woman is not superhumanly serviceful and submissive., they think that feminism is a cancer that has ruined her mind.
          Gotta love em!!!
          Thank goodness there are some amazing men out there who are feminists.
          But I’m my opinion, if a man isn’t a feminist, he is sexist.
          If men believe that women are not second class citizens and that they have souls, he would be interested in protecting them, especially the ones who live in places where it’s actually legal to rape and or kill them.
          It’s legal to rape a woman in Minnesota if she has had a drink.
          So if a man doesn’t believe in feminism, to me he is sexist and selfish.
          If men were being treated this way I would be a masculinist… 🤣I love the men in my life and I would want to support men. Wish more men were like that!

      2. Just use paper plates and plastic silverware. Disposable. Life is good . Your Issue could just be solved and you won’t use up all this energy writing about doing dishes

        1. Lol yes such a good idea… unless he then complains that she is wasting money … 😮‍💨 I think that’s what my husband would do

    2. How about every time you think you have fixed your marriage you get your step daughter and your husband turns into an evil jerk! He picks fights, especially in front of her, to show her he treats me like crap and her like a princess! Wth some body please explain to me why any man would do that????

      1. There are probably lots of reasons buried deep within his lizard brain, but a big reason is also because you allow it. I say this with love. We’ve got to own our role in the crappy parts of our relationship if we truly want it to change. Wishing you strength, clarity, and some good support from friends and loved ones who know without a doubt that you deserve better, and who can remind you of that when you need it.

        1. So what if I’m the bread winner and he’s a stay at home dad and dishes is alllll he does. Literally. I thing else and only the days I work. Once I get home he’s on his phone and I deal with kids, usually make dinner unless I want to eat at 8pm and I get up for work at 3 am. Don’t go to bed until around 10, 9 if I’ve just had enough to get mad and go to bed. My weekends are spent doing the housework from the week. And I did the whole I don’t mind cleaning because I’m the one who likes a clean house, positive attitude, back to being the fun girl I was when we met. Worked great! He was so happy and he was more fun and affectionate, until I complained once about something tiny or mentioned how tired I was. Guess what? He’s so unbelievably happy with the relationship as long as I’m doing all the work and “happy” and not complaining. So basically as long as nothing changes and I pretend to be ok with it out relationship is fabulous. So sick of it.

          1. Yep me too, totally sick and tired of doing house work while my better half doesn’t give a shit about living in a clean environment!

      2. Because he wants his daughter to marry an abusive man who treats her the same way your husband treats you. This is basic psychology! He needs therapy! For his daughters sake if for no one else.

    3. charis. They aren’t children. Grown men should be aware of natural consequences (ie- no clean dishes), not brownie points

    4. My husband died. I would give anything to have him with me. I cannot imagine how awesome it must be to have dishes be an issue even worth mentioning, much less getting angry over. You are lucky.

      1. I lost my husband too, he passed away 9 years ago at only 43. He was a great man and did his fair share of the cooking, cleaning, etc. since then I have gotten into another relationship and this man is a jerk, he does not help out at all unless I nag him. I understand why these women are complaining. I feel used and resent him everyday. I wish every day I could have my husband back, the man that understood a partnership requires equal housework. I am leaving this man after the new year, I’d rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t put any effort in,

        1. I feel your pain. Mine does literally nothing. He doesn’t even work. I told him I’m so exhausted and stressed that I’m seriously contemplating suicide. He still won’t let me leave. I brought him papers and he tore them up and got rid of the printer. I’m in hell. According to the author, I should see doing all of the housework, yardwork, and childcare as “unwinding time” haha.

    5. *facepalm* why???? Women don’t get a ticker tape parade every time they do basic tasks. Why the heck should men???

      1. Why say thanks for something he is only doing to help himself. My husband gets on my nerves. Married ALMOST 10 years and I feel like I REFUSE to make it to 11. I’m trying my best to not even think about how to end it after our 10th year. I feel like he is another one of my kids. Do this, why didn’t you do that, I ask you to, I need you to, You didn’t, and the dreaded I can’t deal with you right now is a broken record conversation with my husband who is 58 going on 17. Some advice….learn how to accept it and find something positive while you continue to do EVERYTHING…Thanks a lot for no help at all. Respectfully, Congratulations to all married men, you got it made.

        1. Your so right! Why dont you let the dishes sit right there and pile up…you have more dishes to use the next few nights…actually my best advice is paper plates! He doesn’t want to help wash dishes, start serving food on paper plates and throw away silverware…Bad thing is…most men won’t care…SO DO THE PAPERPLATES!!!!!

    6. I’ve been with my husband for nearly 20 years and our entire marriage he has not worked, paid any bills, does not do any kind of housework or chores, and basically relies on me to take care of all responsibilities. I work full time and also have to do everything else, while he plays video games and complains to me about why I haven’t started a business for him yet. He’s now so full of anger and resentment towards me because I work for a company and don’t work for him and start a business with him. He’s incredibly disrespectful towards me and lashes out with verbal abuse. But he says he’s a good husband because he stays at home with me and doesn’t cheat on me. He thinks I have failed him and he tells me he’s done with me. I have tried over the years to be thankful towards him, be patient and understanding, hoping he’ll finally grow up and change. But it’s only getting worse. He blames me for all failures and why we’re not rich and successful by now. He says if I would only listen to him. Ugh. He doesn’t see how burnt out I am, he thinks it’s my fault that I’m constantly stressed out. He recently said to me that I’ve never supported him. What? I have supported him, helped him apply for college when he said he wanted to go and needed my help to apply (and then never went), supported him whenever he did try to get a job, supported him on all his hobbies, wanting to party and hang out with his friends all night long at the bar, supported him when he wanted to start a band. I’m so confused how he can blame me and accuse me of not supporting him. I’m so tired of being disrespected and told that I’ve done nothing for him. I’m at my wit’s end and I don’t know what to do any more. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

      1. He’s using you. You’ve “always suported” translates to “have never set boundaries for acceptable expectations and behavior” His fickle commitment to anything including you at the core level of the relationship and how he relates to the world holds no value except that he can toss everything away like a used tissue because the box is there for his runny nose. So why be healed? Why care if thr mucus doesn’t clear up? He needs to sniffle without the tissue, or at least tell him how grooss it is to hear him snort up the running snot and to spit it out because to gt a tissue in order to blow his nose and releive that dull pain growing in his mucus mybranes and choking sensation in the back of his throat he has to stop being the irresponsible, undependable, underappreciating, undeniable little snot nose punk that 000.ll never have the comfort of your tiple ply, lotion soothing, gentle
        yet strong and effective tissues of love and support to just toss into the trash!

      2. Oh no… I see this an older post but please get therapy please….work on your self esteem, you deserve an equal partner in love.
        I can’t advise you but I cannot imagine that your therapist would advise you to stay with this person.., this sounds awful, like having a permanent mentally unstable narcissistic teenager who is your husband but also your son. 😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨I’m tired just reading your post , I’m so sorry…
        I had a boyfriend like that once and thank god we broke up or I would have been a mental case if I had to be married to him, he was so awful and I loved him so much, I was convinced he was still a “good boyfriend”… sad 😢

        But since you are married it’s worth trying single and couples therapy , to see if he can change a little

      3. I’m in the same boat. Husband of 14 years won’t work but a little side job that pays a couple credit card bills for the month. I’m so sick of it! I don’t know how ANY man can sit his ass on the sofa all day while the woman is at work and still call himself a man! I can’t take much more! He cooks and does some dishes, but I pay for everything! How is that fair? He says I’m greedy! I wasn’t greedy when I buy your effin beer every damned night! He says. Have faith just have some faith. Well I have and it ain’t workin, and neither is he! Over it in Indiana

    7. This is really a response for the main- you just sound defeated. You caved and let you asshole husband be a jerk until he felt good enough about himself and ego to do what you deserved all along. I know people like you. They call themselves happy, but they’re just okay with getting stepped all over.

  2. A better way is to be married to someone who respects you and follows through on their promises. Finding sloth, disrespect, and carelessness charming, or going through the day “only looking at the positive” is nothing more than denial. I want and expect more than to be treated as a servant or a second thought. My husband understands that I am not his maid. That’s why my marriage works.

    Just to let you know, dishwashing time is not “me time”.

    1. Glad you found someone who respects you and follows through on his promises, Rima! And I hear your point. Although, with 4 people eating two-three meals in the house each and every day, there are plenty of dishes to be done. Judging doing the dishes to be a chore, or work more suitable for a maid, only causes discontent. Once I made peace with doing the dishes, the whole energy shifted, and now my husband does the dishes more than he ever did. If that’s denial, sign me up!

      1. I also have to agree with Rima. Household work should be shared. Times have changed and men are as capable of doing the work as women are. I think this kind of reaction will only encourage the husband to avoid any household work at all! You may say that you’ve learned to cope with dishwashing as “me time”, but it sounds like you’ll have to make throwing out the trash, washing car, laundry, cooking, & everything else “me time” as well. I refuse to treat my husband like a baby for him to treat me like a maid in return!

      2. Mm. I guess the facts don’t lie Kate. It’s actually a relief to hear someone else’s relief but I doubt this effect would work for many and even less would probably try it for fear of possibly making things worse. But I guess it’s an idea for those who want to be able to know they tried everything (if done with the right intentions/ mindset)

    2. I agree with Rima. Doing dishes is certainly NOT me time, and you are in denial by tricking yourself into thinking it is. And I don’t think anything has been solved here. I cook, you do the dishes. It is actually a pretty simple concept. And the part that you think is the “cool part” I don’t see it that way at all. Not talking is one of the worst things you could EVER do. Communication is key in any relationship. If it was me, I would have sat my husband down and explained to him my feelings in a normal discussion not a fight, and why it was important to me that he do the dishes. Example: “Honey, I understand you come from a long line of soakers (BTW what a stupid excuse to begin with – or course I wouldn’t say that part), but after you let the dishes soak for 10 minutes could you please do them? I know we both work hard and are exhausted, but it would really help me out and give me 10 extra mintues to spend with the kids before putting them to bed. And of course if you ever want to cook instead feel free and I will do the dishes.”

      1. I love that this post is getting so much action! Yes, I agree that not discussing something builds resentment and is not healthy for a relationships.

        I have definitely had many conversations with my husband about the dishes. We had one last week. My husband does the dishes the vast majority of the time — say 90% of the times I cook — and always has. What has changed is that before, when he would soak the dishes, I would get angry and start a fight. I was keeping very careful tabs on who did what, when, and how much, and it wasn’t serving anyone, primarily me.

        Because doing dishes is not any better or worse than spending time with the kids, or watching TV. It’s part of life. We can hate every minute of it, do it as fast as we can so we can get to the ‘better stuff’, or it can be part of our practice. Another way we ease up on some resistance to things as they are. There is no escaping the dishes.

        Now when he slacks on the dishes one night, I sometimes do them, I sometimes don’t. Either way, I don’t seethe about it. And if he slacks on them too much for my taste, I can have an actual conversation with him and not an accusatory, one-way diatribe (which is what used to happen).

        I stand firm that doing the dishes can be me time. As can spending time with the kids. As can working. Anything is me time if you pay calm attention to exactly what you’re doing. Anything.

        Ultimately, my point is that I’m not using the dishes as a way of keeping score.

        Now, on those nights, I either do the dishes if I want

        1. Or you could just buy paper plates and be done with the nonsense.

          Or if you both cooked & cleaned up after then the that wouldn’t happen again until he cooked & cleaned. The kids don’t mind PBJ or cereal for dinner after all.

      2. Ever heard the expression “in one ear/out the other”? You can sit some men down, face to face, two feet apart, no outside distractions (but sometimes a leaf fluttering by the window is enough to draw his attention away from you talking) and calmly, lovingly express your feelings. Bupkis. You lost him at “Honey can we talk? Men’s attention/retention span is like a child’s. If you give them or explain to them three things, they’ll MAYBE remember the last. Or not. After a certain number of years of marriage, you and your voice become so much White Noise. Something to “hear”, but not to “listen” to. There’s a huge difference. BTW: It doesn’t matter how sweetly you express something to them, they are (for the most part) oblivious to tone or body language. Unless you’re screaming (not a good look) or sitting in front of them naked. Maybe.

    3. That’s exactly how I feel. If I can do it, so can you. Woman does not equal servant. I am a person. Every person is capable of working and picking up after themselves. I have a boyfriend who learned otherwise. I have exhausted myself trying to make him understand that there is not enough time in a day for me to work, cook, clean and get a little me time. I keep being told that I need to accept. Accept what? That I exhaust myself while he sits on the sofa like a sack of potatoes. Times have really evolved. I think women are the “real men” in this society. We are expected to work, cook, clean, be mothers, and look beautiful while they are only expected to work. What a large load of you know what!

  3. Wish my husband cared about helping it takes s huge fight for him to care its sad

    1. It is sad. I believe that even when something is not important to you, your partner should make it important to show you they care about your feelings. This is why I feel resentful. I make anything he desires important, but I don’t receive the same from him. In the smallest things they can show us total disregard or appreciation that would fill our hearts with such joy, but they don’t know how to be selfless.

  4. I think the thanking each other for positive things really works also. However, I think one needs to look beyond having to do the dishes. Most likely there are deeper things in your marriage that aren’t being dealt with and the dishes are just a point where you’ve chose to vent. Resentment can build if you don’t find ways to constructively address it and get past it.

      1. I also agree with Elisa. It does sound like things are deeper than just dishes. As I mentioned earlier, effective communication is key. Just ignoring it and not talking about it will cause resentment and will build like Elisa said. This seems just like a temporary fix, but not something that will sustain your relationship for the long run.

        1. Communication does not work for me. If anything he resents me for being honest about my feelings. Sometimes I think he is not mature enough to take constructive criticism. Whether I voice my feelings or I don’t, it always back fires on me. He gets upset when I communicate and try to explain to put himself in my shoes. It’s exhausting really.

  5. I agree with Rima. You accepted the idea that your opinion does not count. It’s his way or you get the highway, I bet.

  6. Wish I could manage to convince myself that it’s ok for my husband to sit on the couch watching t.v while I’m exhausted after working all day, cooking, caring for the kids, and then cleaning the kitchen. Nothing like a serious case of denial to keep a marriage going! Kate, you’re a better wife than I am!

    1. Hi Michelle, Not sure if you mean that’s what your husband does, or if you think that’s what my husband does. Can you clarify?

    2. Yes!!! I agree. What’s wrong with people. My husband is lazy and won’t do much of anything and continuing to be in denial about him not helping is not the answer. It’s ridiculous to take on everything just because a person is too immature and in sensative to handle responsibility.

  7. I think many of you are missing Kate’s point. She has made her own peace with something that needs doing at some time and by someone. Instead of allowing the fact that her and her husband have different definitions of “doing the dishes” get to her and ruin her own happiness, she changed her perspective and it has become a non issue.
    I understand completely Kate – my husband has a different dictionary to me, and a different way of prioritising things. I’m trying hard to do what you have, but with 4 little children with me all day and all that that entails, i’m afraid i still let it get to me. Well done to you!

    1. Hi Nat. Thanks for the props. I give you huge props for raising 4! 🙂 Another thing I did that helped change my perspective is started listening to my husband when he would say, “Why don’t you go out and do something you want to do? I’ve got the kids.” For the longest time, I wouldn’t do that if I felt the house were too messy, because it needed to be picked up first. There are silly ways we sabotage our own selves but then look to put all the blame on our spouses. In those instances when our home life gets to us, we’ve got to do something that fills us up, and when we do, the situation starts to shift before we even address it directly. Even when that means the dishes sit in the sink until morning.

      1. Kate, why should he dictate how and when you obtain satisfaction ie: clean house vs yoga or something? ? It reminds me of when id work with useless casual staff at work and my shifts duties would depend on what they could or couldn’t do. Exept, it’s dishes, not rocket science (im not really a rocket scientist lol)

      2. Not addressing a situation directly and immediately is obfuscating and denial. Calling it by another name doesn’t make it better. Just creates an alias. “It” doesn’t go away by itself. “It” gets buried no matter how much you try and convince yourself “Oh, it’s no big deal”. Every repression has ramifications. Build up enough of them and it escalates to resentment, anger and ultimately depression. It’s what I refer to as “The Scarlet O’Hara Approach” to solving problems. As Scarlett says at the end of “Gone With The Wind”: “I’ll think about it tomorrow”. Fine and dandy if tomorrow never comes. But, guess what? It does and the problem is still there. Maybe not as prominent, but there just the same. Stored in that place inside you where you keep all the baggage you didn’t want to deal with at the time. But remember, those suitcases get mighty heavy unless and until you unpack them and deal with them. Behavioral Therapy #101.

    2. I applaud Kate for being able to make peace with it and not let it exhaust her. I myself am trying to make peace with the fact that we do not see eye to eye on certain things, but it still hurts.

    3. No, we all get the point. She learned to make peace with her husband’s laziness and disregard. Where we differ is that we don’t think that’s a good outcome. A good outcome would be him getting off the couch and doing his fair share, which he is not.

    4. No. I haven’t misunderstood at all. I understand completely. My issue is this: women are so often the ones caving in in relationships to maintain them. What mental contortions do you hear men advising other men to make in order to maintain a romantic relationship? You’ll never hear “just reframe how you think about her cheating/spending too much/etc.” said to a man.

      Sure, changing perspective helps. But that also takes work. Mental work is work. And it shouldn’t fall only on women.

      All that to say, women can change perspective. But men can also just wash the effing dishes. Why does the work (mental or physical) have to be the onus of women at the pleasure of men.

  8. Wow, some people really missed the point of this post. I get it. I need to move that direction you did. I am still very much in the “keeping score” phase. I got to your blog by searching for “i hate my husband.” Sad, but true. No person is perfect (wife or husband) and some of us aren’t blessed with husbands that savor helping after working all day. Mine doesn’t. I am not okay with it, but I’m going to have to learn to be or else I will probably die an early death from seething in anger for so long. Not gonna let that happen. I like your solution and how you explained your progression. Thanks for posting this, I needed to read it today!

    1. Anne, thanks for your comment and I’m so glad this post found you on this day. You know, husbands just don’t always care about the same things we do, and vice versa. I led a teleclass about this very subject, and would be happy to send you the recording. If you’re interested, email me at kate [at] msmindbody [dot] com. Keep breathing. 🙂

    2. Anne – I did the same thing…found this post by searching “hating your spouse.” I’m not for sure what to go anymore-I’m still in the “keeping score” phase but also feel I’ve drifted so far away from my spouse that I’m starting to not care. I don’t want to be in the same room with him and I avoid and dread almost any conversation. I do believe, if it was just me in the picture, I would have already left (I never imagined ever saying that);however, I have a 3 year old and a 10 month old. Kate- I wish I could do what you have done and I’m praying to get the strength, just not for sure I can “let go.”
      It’s sad – I’m a more relaxed person and feel like a better mother when I’m home alone with the kids vs. when he is home… In need of a magic wand : )

      1. Hi Kat. Welcome welcome here I’m so glad you found this conversation and community. FWIW, a 3 year old and a 10 month old is exhausting. Truth. Hard to think clearly in that foggy state. You’ve got a magic wand in your intuition, Kat. What does it tell you? And I don’t know much about your situation, but if exhaustion is something you’re dealing with, one approach is to focus on filling your physical stores with rest and physical activities that help you hear what’s true for you (hikes in nature, gardening, yoga, being alone). Get creative, know you not only deserve it but your family deserves to have a filled-up and grounded you — sometimes we moms have to think of the benefit to others before we really get on board with doing things we would otherwise feel guilty about. And know this: this situation is here to give you the opportunity to grow in to the person you know deep down you’re here to be. It’s happening for you, not to you. Peace. xoxoxo

      2. Kat you described me to perfection. I’m in the EXACT situation–I’m scared for my kids, and of my feelings and how toxic they are to my marriage.

  9. I am the wife who comes home and doesn’t help. My husband works from home and makes dinner most nights. Perfect, right? Nope. He hates me for getting home too late, not helping with the dishes and not being attentive enough to the kids. For what it’s worth, I do the dishes most nights. I wish I could change my attitude and perspective like Kate but all I feel is annoyed and completely unappreciated.

    1. Hi Susan. I can totally see how working all day and then feeling like you walk in the door with some sort of debt to repay would be frustrating and would feel like your contribution isn’t valued. It’s definitely a process and it doesn’t happen overnight, but it 100% is possible to change your perspective. Everything changes — work situations, kids, hemlines. My best advice is to steer yourself away from blaming your husband and stay focused on how you are feeling. Your awareness alone will help those feelings start to shift. Promise.

  10. I agree with Kate about shifting perspective. I get a lot of flack for my belief and I’ll agree it’s not easy. But I’d rather have that than divorce. I’ve been married 13 years today and life with my husband has been a roller coaster. But this past year I came up with the mantra “I don’t have to fight to be a fighter”. Basically, for me, that means changing my direction, thought process, and reactions. I believe it is helping the situation but most of all it’s helping me. I’m growing and like Kate, if I can submit to doing something out of love and it brings peace, I am on the right track. Kate, keep on keeping on. I have been finding peace in just letting go of certain man-made standards and believe that positive change will come. It may take a while but I think it will yield positive change vs demanding or giving ultimatum. I’ll keep u posted. Only time will tell.

    1. Mel, yes, yes, a thousand times yes. Some of the standards I’ve let go of are a perfectly clean house and a chore load divided 50-50. Also look for how your husband supports you that perhaps is something that isn’t hailed by societal standards. For instance, my husband always, always says yes to taking the kids when I need some space. He says he knows they require more of me and honestly I think he’s happy to be their sole attention for a while. When in doubt, look for the win-win. What we focus on grows. Peace Mel and definitely, keep me posted!!!! xoxox

    2. Mel, I’m reading these posts many years later (2021) and am wondering how your journey has gone. I love your mantra “I don’t have to fight to be a fighter”. I too have been on a rollercoaster of a marriage, almost 26 years for me. I would love to know if your change in thought processes actually helped you & your marriage. Hoping you see this response.

  11. I also agree with Rima about the denial….you are definitely in denial…we all are. I speak honestly and as a Christian woman when I say Marriage has been the single most disappointing thing in my entire life. It is a decision I deeply regret as much as I love him is as much as I hate him, and I want to get off of this roller coaster. Then I see our beautiful kids and the life we have made together and I use the journaling, praying, meds, counseling, crying, and –yes, even the denial to try to make this work.

    1. Sorry my cat walked across the keyboard in that previous post!! LOL!!

      OMG!!! Kianna is right on target.

      I am a Christian married to a Christian man with two teenagers. We are both educated. Marriage has been the worst experience of my life. Also, I waited until late in life to get married.

      I have done ALL the the author suggested over 17 years and it has helped nothing. The part that the author has left out is if you adopt her approach you must do so with NO EXPECTATION of anything in return . . . ever!!

      If you adopt Kate’s approach with any expectation that said husband will notice you taking on his chore, or that this will pay off in the future because said husband will reciprocate in any area, you will possibly be in an empty marriage where you are constantly giving and shifting.

      And believe me, it starts with the seemingly little things like dish washing.

      I appreciate your attempt to deal with the matter by looking at yourself first as that’s really the only person you can change however beware as this can lead to constant self searching which leaves one unfulfilled. It also possibly ignores personality disorders such as narcissism, passive-aggressiveness etc.

      My last point — not acknowledging the truth about one’s spouse, how you feel and their lack of responsiveness and the various options within marriage prevents ALL WOMEN from arriving at real solutions and working approaches. This includes what to look for / examine BEFORE getting married.

      As a Christian, I know that God does not like divorce but frankly I’ve prayed, fasted and tithed enough to save several marriages but God has been silent / mute on my marriage. God has ignored my suffering and that is how a TON of Christian women feel but are loath to say it to other Christians for fear the platitudes will be trotted out.

      I’m all for TRUTH. Painful, unadulterated truth. If you want to do the dishes, do them based on truth and you’ll be much better off.

      1. I really believe that we women have evolved while the male species is stagnant behind us. I have to blame the mothers out there that indirectly teach our future men to be almost handicapped. I laugh inside at times because when I see men I see a heard of wild animals lol.

      2. Are you divorced? Because God isn’t helping you as you live your life by what God likes

        1. Wow, so many cranky comments…

          Well, my only comment to add is that “keeping score” is pretty pointless. We all have different needs, different strengths, and different weaknesses. Some of us need 4 hrs of sleep. Some need 10. Some of us need an hour of alone time a day to be sane. Some of us never need any. Some of us struggle under the emotional toils of work (that might be because work is draining, or it might just be because we are easily drained), others feel it is empowering.

          At the end of the day, all that matters is how you are feeling and if the family is surviving (emotionally, physically, spiritually). Keeping score or pretending that world is or will ever be fair is irrelevant to that.

  12. In my situation, my husband works and I go to school full-time and am doing an internship 2 days a week. I would say the hours he spends at work are about the same as the hours I spend on my stuff, but on top of that I do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc and primarily care for our 22 month old. His idea of watching our son while I am gone is turning on the tv for him while he plays his stupid computer games. He does not cook because he can’t and wouldn’t learn. He doesn’t clean because he feels that it’s my job since I’m not “working”. Even before our son when we both worked, I did 90% of the household work. So I’m torn on this. If I take the route Kate is suggesting, I’m resigning myself to doing all of this work on my own and not expecting him to help. I agree that not being upset about it would probably help my stress levels and depression, but it’s just so irritating that I’m stuck doing the work because I’m the woman and that’s apparently my “job”. I don’t think I could just let it go. I think my strategy is to finish school, get a job, save my money and then take my son and leave him.

    1. Oh Ashley, I just had to comment. I was in a similar position to you a few years ago (one young son, although not married), so I know how you must be feeling. My advice to you is to really think through all the practicalities (including shared care of your son with his father) and see if that seems more appealing to you than staying. Also do everything you possibly can (without compromising your or your sons safety) to try to get him to respect you first.
      In my situation I tried everything I could when I already knew it was going nowhere, but it gave me strength and comfort to know there was nothing else that could be done. And then I left.
      I had a strategy for my finances as you do too, because it was a long drawn out process, and it was the smartest move I made
      I am now married to an amazing man, we have our challenges, but we have respect.
      I hope you can create the life you and your son deserve, whether that means staying or going. Good Luck xx

  13. Why do the dishes when it’s not your turn; fuming and hating? Or sugar coat it as your me-time. Hold him accountable. Communicate. “Honey, when it’s your turn to do the dishes and you don’t do them, it makes me feel ___” he can’t read your mind. So tell him what’s on it.
    I’m sorry, but I think this advice is very unwise.

  14. Kind of stumbled upon this message string and website and just wanted to share a male perspective. I am not perfect by any stretch, but I know I am respectful and diligent with housework. I believe that all family members pitch in and help with keeping the house and assisting with dinner if their schedule allows. However I am married to a woman that does not know how to say thanks or show appreciation. Many times she sees what isn’t completed or needs doing as opposed to what has been done. It used to bother me but I grew tired of it bothering me. I grew tired of asking her to help or expecting it. I did not want to feel bitter for having a spouse that was not outwardly thankful or appreciative. I just came to accept that household chores and cleaning, etc need to be done regardless of being thanked or not. I feel good about being a productive member of my family and I am happy to be counted on to help without being asked. I accept my spouse for how she is and I feel no need to try to change her or get her to understand how she could be a better person. She has to recognize her own shortcomings and decide if she wants to change. I will continue to, as my dad said ‘kill them with kindness’ and hope she can open her heart. Until then, I do my part and try to be a positive example to my kids. Good luck to all of you that are in challenging situations with a spouse. Remain strong and don’t stoop to a lower level just because of your anger or disillusionment. Know that you are a good person and your husband is lucky to have you in their life…one day they will awaken to this fact.

    1. GK, I too have always believed kill em with kindness, love conquers all, etc. Unfortunately there is a time where this taking effect can simply come too late 🙁 So, beware, gentle souls filled with love are easily deceived. Keep you disposition but dont let yourself good blind. The truth is there isnot “good” in everyone. People can be so deeply selfish that it can be cruel. Her lack of gratitude is not a good thing or just some little character flaw. It is a prelude to a much larger flaw of character. God bless your heart! I am pleased to hear from a man with a kind heart. It restores my belief that ther HAS to be some good men left. 🙂

    2. Yes, it would be nice to receive thanks for contributions to housework, but do you thank her when she does chores? If not, then why must she thank you? because it’s her job? Why is it not yours as well? Are you not both a team working together to create an efficient household? I do not thank my son for doing his homework: It’s his responsibility. Is it not your responsibility–as well as hers–to keep a house clean?

    3. You sound like a decent guy, but why do men think they should be “thanked” every time they do something around the house? Can you imagine if women expected to be thanked every time they went to work?

    4. I know this is a very old comment….I couldn’t help myself though. I just had to add that my husband always wants to be thanked as well. He gets upset that I don’t notice what he has done and thanked him for it. The problems is…I don’t always see what he has done. Literally. He always says “By the way…you’re welcome” I am supposed to ask what for. He tells me. I say thank you. Once it was because the dog had an accident in the house and he picked it up. (I was in a different room and did not know, I was still supposed to thank him) Once was because he took the trash to the curb….I had not been outside to see it yet. He walked in and said ‘by the way…you’re welcome”. I would have no problems thanking him, and I frequently do when he helps ME (handing me something). Why should I thank him for mowing the yard? I don’t get thanked on a daily basis. Not for cooking dinner, cleaning up after him and three kids, doing everyone’s laundry, feeding and watering animals, doing vehicle maintenance, etc….He didn’t even realize that cars required maintenance because he never did it. For 17 years, he thought that the water/antifreeze was a self contained system and never needed to be added too. He thought he had a huge reservoir for washer fluid, and didn’t use it much, so it never ran out, and that he had really good windshield wipers that lasted 8 years. Part of the reasons that we don’t see things that have been done, is that since it doesn’t need to be done, it doesn’t go on our mental list of things to do. Obviously if I am picking up the living room, I am only focusing on picking up the living room. I am not noticing that now a desk is picked up or that shoes are in the basket instead of all over. I am seeing that I still need to pick up end tables, put cushions back on the couch, sweep up the dog hair, etc. Sorry that my brain doesn’t keep up with things that were dirty/there 30 minutes ago, but not anymore.

  15. Basically men are lazy pieces of poop. In my case his mother spoiled him and now I have to retrain a lazy man child who does nothing.

    1. Christina, ha. I totally hear you and have indulged in some of this kind of thinking in the past. Here’s the thing: What you focus on grows. If you are walking around thinking men are lazy pieces of poop, you are going to find plenty of evidence to support your theory. If you are interested, and willing to think a little differently about the whole situation, here is something to try. Walk around thinking that men respond well to how they see the women they love acting. Kinda same take, different spin. I guarantee, when you change the way you think about a “problem”, it opens the door for said problem to magically dissolve. Food for thought. xo Kate

      1. Tell me about it. The worst thing is to marry a boy who thinks he’s a man because his stupid mother spoilt him. I am reluctant to blame mothers as I am one also and usually men copy their fathers, but I know because we took my husbands mother in for 2 years and all his rudeness, lazyness and selfcenteredness I see in her. WHY do we even marry the jerks?

        1. It is on the fathers for modeling this behavior. No matter how much I try to train my husband to treat me like a person, I know my sons are going to see the disrespect he shows me constantly and lay it on their future spouses. I’d leave if my file weren’t a lawyer who would help my husband do whatever he could to make sure I never saw then again.

    2. Wow.
      This sounds kinda disrespectful to all men.
      Maybe women like you are one of the reason men don´t want to do anything with/for their partners beyond sex? (if you are acceptable enough for sex, that is…)

  16. Am Aneesa i am hear to give testimony of how i got back my husband, we got married for more than 5 years and have gotten two kids. thing were going well with us and we are always happy. until one day my husband started to behave in a way i could not understand, i was very confused by the way he treat me and the kids. later that month he did not come home
    again and he called me that he want a divorce, I asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying that he want a divorce and that he hates me and do not want to
    see me again in his life, i was mad and also frustrated do not know what to do,i was sick for more than 2 weeks because of the divorce. i love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is incomplete. i told my sister and she told me to contact a spell caster, i never believe in all this spell casting of a thing. i just
    want to try if something will come out of it. I contacted Dr samoda for the return of my husband to me, they told me that my husband have been taken by another woman that she cast a spell on him that is why he hates me and also want us to divorce. then they told me that they have to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and the kids, they cast the spell and after 3 days my husband called me
    and he told me that i should forgive him, he settled to apologize on phone and said that he still love me that he did not know what happen to
    him that he left me. it was the spell that the Dr samoda shrine castes on him that made him comeback to me today,me and my family are now
    happy again today. thank you Dr samoda for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. i want
    you my friends who are passing through this kind of love problem of getting back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact email him now ( and you will see that your problem will be solved. All thanks to Dr samoda Regard.
    .Good Luck…………

    1. Thank you for sharing your incredible, true, relevant story! Going to go give the good doctor a call!!

  17. Lord, so many commentators are self-obssessed, arrogant, ego-centric and so hateful. It doesn’t add credibility to your words if you just swallow their stories full-stop, Kate. There are always more than 1 side of a story.

  18. My situation is little different. I have been married now for 2 years and I am the sole provider in our home. I come home everyday after nine to ten hours of work and cook. We do the dishes together, but only if I start doing them, he will help. I sometimes come home so exhausted, and the first thing he tells me, is hun, I’m hungry. He stays at home all day and is capable of cooking, but denies that he can. He sometimes abuses me verbally but that’s a story for another day. I would just like to comment and say that I’ve tried being positive, doing things myself, hoping and praying (he is not a christian btw), but still to no avail. I even fear bringing a child in this marraige. I love my husband, but sometimes I just really hate him.

    1. You fear bringing a child into the marriage…that’s a bad sign. And only two years into the marriage this disequilibrium between you two is evident..also a bad sign.

    2. Sweety, you just described my brutish oaf except mine tells me how I can spend a paycheck, like I’m too stupid to know that bills have to be paid, puts me down over my cooking skills (20 years in resturants and private kitchens, I know what I’m doing) and berates me over not spending enough time with the kids while he complains I don’t make enough. I heatedly hate him almost all the time.

  19. I get the point you are making and can understand how things would improve. But what about YOUR well being and your feelings. Don’t you want a husband that considers your feelings andappreciates your value? I have bowed down to my husband for way too long. Doing everything for him, raising is children. I’m sorry but if he wants to keep me as a wife, can’t he be the one that changes his mindset!? Is my happiness not of value? Is my purpose to only serve him.. And if I object are you saying that I am responsible?

    1. If the dishes don’t get done in my house, I’m a monster and he treats me like crap. Like right now. I’m laying in bed sick and he’s yelling and slamming around dishes.

      1. Hi Holly. You’ve got to look at how you’re co-creating the situation. What do you think that might be? Take an objective look at how your actions (or inactions) and beliefs contribute to the dynamic of your relationship, and own your role. Your husband plays a role too, of course. But you’ve got to move beyond blaming him for everything that’s wrong, because it just gives your power away. It may not mean that your relationship is fixable, or worth saving, but you always have a choice about how you show up and what you tolerate. And your relationship will likely never change if you don’t too. xo

  20. Sit down with him and be real about it all. Then make a solid decision about it all. But dont think he can lie about such things but not bigger ones. Thats not how it works. A liar is a LIAR. There is no little lie. This isnt the movies, there is no magical way out. Marriage takes love, dedication, thoughtfullness, and hard work on BOTH SIDES. Either both are wiling or there really isnt a marriage. But dont waste your youth as the dish washer. If you are the dish washer, then perhaps you need to look around and see what else you are and what exactly his roles are. Does it even out? If not there is no justification, no excuses, no big secret, it simply isnt a good thing. Think about the big pictures, don’t compartmentalize things like men do. 🙂 best wishes to us ALL!!!!!

  21. we almost finesh 3 year for marriage and now I have son he is 4 month old but I dont know what happen to my husband he started ignoring me I dont understand what haapen to him he sleep in other room he make his food by his own he dont allow me to cook for hi, some time he become good and sometimes bad I feel may be he have affair out side? I dont understand what to do?

    1. Hi Zainab, Have you asked him? I know nothing about your husband, but I know that it can be rough for men after the baby comes. They can feel…not needed. The baby relies on you for sustenance, you are so attuned to the baby. Ask from your heart how he’s feeling, say what you notice, share how it makes you feel in your body. Be real. Good luck. xo Kate

  22. WOW. After reading all this, l’ll bet Ms Mindbody finds a way to rationalize and justify the behavior of verbally and physically abusive men and places blame on the women (thus victimizing and shaming them further than they already are).

    1. It’s not about blame, Far. It’s about ownership. There’s no shame in seeing things as they are, even when it’s painful. It’s the only way to stop recreating the same situations over and over. You can’t change a habit you don’t know you have.

  23. I can’t say I agree with this. We have a small house, 2 kids (3.5 and 3 months). I am responsible for everything: laundry, dinner, putting kids to bed and waking up with them. I stopped warning when the baby was born but still had those sand responsibilities. My husband only works a couple of days a week AT MOST. I’ve tried being reasonable but am at whits ends. I’m exhausted from kids that don’t sleep, a messy house, dishes, laundry, an unmade bed and so on. He never sees where I’m coming from. Take this morning… He leaves two stinky wet towels on the kitchen counter, 3 rotten bananas, and grease/crumbs from dinner last night on the drive top. I ask him to take care of it, he rolls his eyes and says “is it effecting you RIGHT NOW?” I say “it’s been effecting me all morning. This is what worries me if I should happen to die tomorrow.”

  24. My problem is kind of different, instead of me focusing on the housework he doesn’t help with because he actually does help with some stuff like laundry lots of laundry even though he never folds or puts away he tries and a little on cleaning up toys after the kids. My thing is that I do a little of everything just to name a few cleaning dishes, my son puts them away (sometimes) cleaning bathrooms, restocking household cleaning items financially and literally and even the “handy man” like filling holes then sanding and painting walls, something I like doing because I’m obsessed with paint but it never gets done right because I’m really short even with a roller extender and our only ladder is really tall and I’m a little scared of it and can’t carry it I’m from garage to house. Also I pay the smaller bills water, groceries and sometimes cable bills. He handles mortgage, gas and electric and insurance. My issue is that I feel he’s never there for out children, ages 6 and 2 then a teenager from previous marriage but he’s not the issue he doesn’t mind doing for him. It’s the younger children he never wants to spend time with. His idea of spending time with them is having a card night and having them there while he has fun with his buddies, they call it harmless fun. Also he takes them to another friend home to do more relaxing with friend while friends wife’s tends to our kids. I complain all the time but I wait till it builds up then hit him with it all at once but it comes up at least once a month and lately every week. The thing that hurts is that he’s ready to take the kids for family outings when it involves meeting up with his parents or having a family get together with his side of the family. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to spend time with our kids and give them attention. I’m so afraid my daughter will find attention from another man when she grows up 12 yrs from now. My youngest is in behavioral class and speech that I take him to and I just feel like a single parent and him providing the home for us to live in. It’s getting pretty ugly and I’m starting to ask myself of there’s a stranger that will love my children ( our children ) more than their own father?

  25. Hi, my story is pretty long. I will try and make it as clear and as short as possible.
    I am married for nearly 8 years, but together nearly 12. since we got married my husband changed literally completely, or should i say (the real person came to light) he started cheating and lying to me, we are still together after all his lies and cheating. we have separated twice, been with different people but yet ended up together again. I feel I really love him and feel scared to leave him but on the other hand hate him for what he has done to me, he has hurt me and continues to do so, I always end up forgiving him =( I have been depressed, Lost appetite and I feel i cant do anything to make things better in my relationship. He hardly spends any time with my daughter who is 4 and myself. He works pretty much every single day of the week, and when he is at home he usually sleeps or is in his computer or phone. He also travels a lot… if i don’t travel with him I would basically hardly ever see him or spend time with him, therefore, it means I can’t do nothing more with my life (career wise) because then I would not be able to travel with him, I feel stuck.
    On the other hand I also always think about my daughter and her stability in her home. I do feel I am alone and I bring up my daughter pretty much on my own. My husband is very responsible financially as he has had a very good career turn, which is great as we were able to get our own house, But in our home and relationship life his very inconsiderate and irresponsible. I really don’t know what to do? Keep fighting for my relationship? find strength and end it? Start over and do something new with myself?
    There are many options, just don’t know which one is best? I feel hurt and sadness to end it all.
    He says he loves me and doesn’t want to be committed to no one else…..Advice please (–_)

    1. My dear Lourdes
      I just read your post on the web site, “How I stopped hating my Husband”. I would like to just put in a few words. First of all, You love your Husband, You have been excusing him plenty of times because you don’t have any option but love him. I think this is very sweet. Life is short, you have spent a long time with your husband and you have a daughter. I think starting afresh will lose the gains you have invested in this relationship. You have to have patience in balancing your relationship. He surely loves you, and he believes that you love him, and as you said he is serious in his profession. He has just taken you for granted probably he is also a MCP. Don’t worry just continue with your patience. His fever will cool and he will be back to his normal personality as he used to be before.
      But bring your daughter closer to you, make her emotionally attached to you, and train her to the best of your ability.

  26. Ok, this makes no sense to me. You made a deal. He does the dishes. Were there guidelines on when he would do them? If he’s a soaker, let him do it his way. If the dishes aren’t done when it’s time to make dinner, then make PB&J sandwiches or order out. Why put all these grand expectations on dinner that stress you out? Women do that all the time, everything should be so perfect & great (their way). Then we get mad when people have other approaches. Maybe family would be happier if you relaxed & weren’t having some gigantic internal drama at the sink every night. Geesh life is too short, use paper plates

    1. Absof*ckinglutely. I was thinking exactly the same thing, “Why put all these grand expectations on dinner that stress you out? Women do that all the time, everything should be so perfect & great (their way)”.

      Unless your husband himself demands these standards, they are *your* standards, and you are expecting your husband to read your mind. Let the effing dishes soak, for weeks if need be. PB&Js until he gets them done!

  27. Asking questions are genuinely good thing if you are
    not understanding anything completely, however this article offers
    fastidious understanding even.

  28. It sounds like you dont work? Is that the case? If so you must realize that when you too are working like crazy to support your family it is a lot harder to be ok with your husband not doing his share of other responsibilities. I am nit trying to be judgemental because i have no idea of what your situation is. I just know mine 🙁

  29. Hey,
    Thanks so much for sharing. I’ve struggled with the EXACT same thing for the entirety of my 8 years of marriage (I worked full time, then part time, and how am home with our two kids for the past 9 months). I obsess over him not pitching in and helping. It has really come between us recently, to the point where he is sleeping in another room (first time for us, and I can’t believe it’s over something so petty as dishes). He does work VERY hard, so I need to chill and stop being such a jerk about it. It was good to read your post, and see how someone has actually handled the mental conversation (many times I’d do it but be yelling at him in my head, which doesn’t make for great couples time later in the evening).
    Again, really helpful post.
    Thank you!

  30. Been married for a long 3 years but been together for 9. This is my second marriage and you would think I’ve learned my lesson by now. I feel like this marriage is getting near the end which makes me sad. I’m 32 and no kids. My family and friends think we are happy and trying to get pregnant but that’s Def not the case. I can’t bring a child into a unhappy home. I work full time do all the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping , laundry and even cut the acre of land we own. He does own a business and works a lot but why does that I mean I have to do it ALL on my own. He works long hours and wonders why we don’t have sex. Sorry you come at 830 9 take a shower and eat the dinner I cooked hours ago and expect me to be in the mood. He could work less but he thinks sitting at home is wasting time. Sorry if hanging with me is wasting your precious time. He is always pissed about something. Always find shit to be mad about and it’s a big turn off. He had a couple of bad days at work so he didn’t speak to me for 3 days. Yep i get the silent treatment when he is mad about something i wasn’t even a part of. It’s so immature. Alcohol makes his anger worse. Too.many stories i could tell about that. I’m happy all day till I see his truck pull up. Wonder if he is in a good mood today? Wish we didn’t buy this house. I’m such an idiot.

    1. Jessica, my heart goes out to you. You seem like such a wonderful person. I can’t imagine why you cook him dinner and cut the lawn. Stop doing it. Sounds like you give 200% & he takes 100%. So life works out for him because your doing it all. He’s just taking. Start doing what you want to do. Find girlfriends, Go to events like free outdoor concerts. I see you wrote this in
      April & wonder if you’re still married to the idiot. It would be wonderful if you lived around my neck of the woods, we could be friends & leave the takers & users in the dust. I’ve been married 2 yrs this June 30 and have learned the definition of truculent: hostile, belligerent, defiant, quarrelsome, argumentative, aggressive, fractious, confrontational. guys are nothing but babies….they suck!

      1. Hello Cindy,
        Your reply was great. Very helpful. Then you said we were all babies,
        I’m never going to be a female, so I try my best not to paint them all with the same
        Brush. Having an attitude like that can’t help anyone, I’m desperately unhappy with
        My relationship, but I’m not going to have this experience cloud my judgement
        On all from the opposite sex. Trying to be fair but give men a go, some are great
        And it’s happening to us too 🙂

      2. Hi Cindy. I don’t think this is a gender specific problem. My wife thinks her roll in the family is to look beautiful, go to the gym, communicate constantly with friends, demand high priced vacations. For her our home is like a hotel room for getting rest or getting ready to go out. She complains about me constantly to her friends and her mother. We have had our problems mostly about her availability to me and for 2 yrs that really hurt. Letting go of what you want from others really does give you peace. We have two daughters that used to cry when is mummy coming home and when thier mother yells at them because of her disappointment in them. It is I that cook ,clean ,laundry, doctor and dentist appionents, read to them , the park, the beach and just plain enjoy life with unconditional love with them. What my wife doesn’t see is that her lack of respect influences others as well. Her widowed mother insist on moving in to look after the girls. This can never happen because she is for many reasons far worse than my wife. As a result my dear mother in-law refuses to visit. Due to the pressure of guilt trips from the dear old lady my wife is drawn away even more to gossip and complain. As for her very best friend in the world she found herself very inquisitive about certain aspects of anatomy derived by inappropriate conversations. As a result her best friend uses my wife’s habit of constant electronic communication to satisfy her faithful friendship once a week. For me loneliness is a cruel suffering, so I found simple companionship with as sweet Hispanic lady who has more beauty than my wife could ever dream of or understand. As for my wife comes looking for her rights as a wife about every other week, but some times it’s too big and hurts too much : o : ) and that’s ok. So I guess what I’m trying to say is be careful of what you wish for.

  31. Well I know exactly what that feels like and it surprises how married couples have in common. I am 20 but have almost been married to my husband for 2 years, we have known eachother for 5. Your story has shown me a lot and it makes me feel a lot better knowing I am not the only one who has problems with their husband.

  32. Your clearly insane. Your husband IS a jerk and your overworked and crazy. Telling other women who are overworked to let their husbands walk all over them is awful!!!!!! Men SHOULD definitely do and be responsible for all the housework. And the dishes thats THEIR job. Not us – them. We work damn hard as it is. Maybe once they make up for the millions of people killed over misogynistic bullshit I’ll let hubby get away with being a macho jerk. Men have run the world for thousands of years LOOK where it has gotten us. Women need to take the reins before their idiocy destroys the entire planet.

    1. Howdy I agree with meg…mine does not care,I have a life threating health issue and knee problems that cripple me at times ect…..I have 5 children 1 of his others from previous marriage that he took on as his own when they were very young….3 are special needs….when he worked 7 years ago he totally changed,started to ignore us and just handed over his paycheck…I was in hell……a super nice guy turned sour…and I mean ignore no talk nothing!!!!!! no emotions,sex,showing feelings, affection, nothing!!!! then we had to move,oh gosh I was so unhappy even more,so he loses his job shortly after….So I started working 1 job cant pay the bills so I ended up with 3 jobs to make ends meet….and been doing that since about hmmm 7 years now,we been together for ten…so now due to my health I had to let go of one job and now I have my care giving job…..he can clearly see that every month I have to sell stuff I own to make money to pay bills….My children need me,they need structure ect…And well he gets upset when I try to go to the gym to better my health…wait I cant even go on a walk…Guess it dont matter anyways,by the time I get home from work…I am beyond exhausted and weak…..flat out lazy guy wont work,does nothing to improve our lives and btw since I started working oh he will talk if he has something to say…But other than that any concerns I have I am the bad guy……I cant do anything to help my self…in fact I feel he gets mad that I even have to go to work..He is very much passive agressive and in a way narcassistic.

  33. I agree. I’ve been married 26 years. Does it make since to say I’ll always love him. But I don’t always have to like him. Terrible to say I think it’s my fault in a way. Here’s why, my true love has passed on. My current husband at the time was just filling in empty space, I did live him. My ex and I split when we were in our mid twenties . Twenty tears later he resurfaced. I loved him like HD never left. We loved one another like we were never parted. He asked me to divorce and marry him. I said I couldn’t just get up and leave my current husband. I moved to another town, only 20 minutes away. He couldn’t locate me Im guessing. Less then a year later, I get a call he’s dead….I cannot get him out of my head (ever). He died from a drug overdose. But my lives still strong. I will never love ANYONE like I did this man. I know this isn’t have anything to do with what’s posted but just want everyone to know if your with your true love , soulmate. Hold them close, never let them go. Because tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us. If I could turn back the hands of time. I would be a happy camper. :-). But instead my life is miserable , because when my true live came , I shouldn’t ran with open arms <3

    1. Sorry for all mid spellings
      I can’t see like I use too. I see alot of errors. Like all the “live” words should be “love”….well hope you all can’t correct it. I don’t see an edit or delete, just reply. But then again I can’t see…

  34. I would HAPPILY do ALL the dishes and all the cooking and all the washing and all the nappy changing and all the baby feeding if only my wife would stop getting stroppy with me and telling me off when I’ve done not done wrong and accusing me of things I’ve not done and stop responding with vindictive mocking when I complain about it. I’ve repeatedly asked her for simple equality, but it feels so unequal: sometimes, I feel like a punch bag for venting her anger, which I’d be ashamed of if I ever treated her in the same way. She’d go ballistic if I spoke to her in the way she speaks to me when she’s lost her temper. It’s killing our marriage and right now I can’t see any way out of it except: (a) increasing resentment; (b) divorce, which is deeply against my principles.

    By the way, before you jump to conclusions that “oh, he’s a man — he must be in the wrong”, I do 90% of the washing up in our house, nearly always before I go to bed and I never complain about it. She feeds the baby and does the washing and the bigger part of the cooking, although I do maybe 25% of the cooking. She’s on maternity leave and I go to work. I would like to do more, but once we had an argument that by trying to do everything I was making her feel incapable; plus, to her credit, she was concerned about me falling asleep at my desk at work. She had quite a go at me the first time I put a wash on in our new house — because she didn’t want to do another wash that day. What she didn’t know is that part of the reason I was trying to do everything was so that she’d never have a reason for getting stroppy with me, which I’ve been desparate for her to stop doing because every time, after she does, I really struggle to rebuild my affection for her.

    So, ladies, maybe this is your answer: treat him like crap and he’ll do anything for you in the hope that you won’t. (But he’ll hate you for it.)

    1. Hi Tim

      I hear you and I have been studying with Tony Robbins.If you search anything with him on ‘relationships’ or on youtube, he will change your entire mindset to find a resolution and after hundreds of thousands of difficult times in Marriages not only rekindled but happier than before, you can find a deeper love that transcends to the deepest love for your wife. I have felt it for my husband of 25 years and like this writer, it endures forever. It’s very hard to explain to ‘newbies’ for want of a better word but one person’s words and actions have the incredible power to change the entire dynamics of two people – how your wife will respond or react. For all those with marriage difficulties, google, google, google – but read beautiful things about Marriage and read about imagining how someone else feels and how it is that we really speak or treat them. I have had to watch myself very carefully. Quick to find fault and it was so wrong – just like this writer has described. I would challenge you all here (if you’re interested to try) for one month – say nothing but nice words to your spouse no matter what he/she says or does (except physical abuse). If you have a particularly stubborn spouse, it may take two months or it may take three months when your spouse starts to realise ‘wow’ my spouse is so nice…Hopefully this will work after one week not one month or three months. When we give respect, it is returned. When we give patience, it is returned. When we give kindness and love without needing anything in return, we receive the same. If it doesn’t work after three months of 98% (hard to be 100%) respect, patience, kindness and selfless unconditional love,, you are likely married to a disordered (narcissistic) person. I have seen this genuine action of love work every time, if your spouse is a truly loving person, they will respond/react in kind. I know it’s hard not to be annoyed or want to give up, but just as a challenge for yourself, as something interesting to see what your power (of love) can achieve – is worth it for yourself. Good Luck to you all.

      1. Hazel, Yours is definitely one of, if not THE best post here.

        I would just like to emphasize what you said about, “without needing anything in return”. We humans tend to like a Return On Investment (ROI). For a transformation to occur, your ‘experiment’ must be UTTERLY DEVOID of the need for ROI. The need for returns will warp your actions into manipulation.

        Essentially, you will be trying to “be the change which you wish to see in the world”. Aim first to transform yourself. View all else as gravy.

    2. Thanks Tim. Really appreciate your thoughts. That might me the answer. Just that sometimes it’s hard to be patient.

    3. It takes a lot of time when a woman is heart broken or even missing something that she is looking to do in her life. It is very hard to do in a marriage is to be patience and accept kindness but with The Lord Jesus in our life we can take one step at a time

  35. Ive been there, with all the pains and heartbreaks, hatred, broken trust and faith. I thought it was easy to overcome, but its been a year and and im still being hunted of the past. Memories,images and videos made by my hurting imagination are kept on playing in my mind. I dont have any friends to talk this to, so im left with just having God. After a year of trying to mend and to forgive, i found out that no matter how close you are to God, healing is still a process. How can you say that you have forgiven them already? When you dont plot your revenge or you dont snap at your husband anymore?or you dont spend the night crying anymore? It is easy to say that you have forgiven but deep inside youre still hurting. Youve been violated, your trust is broken, he is your husband and you know that what they did is wrong. And youre battling war with your self.. You know as a Christian that you must forgive, God commanded us to forgive, but you just cant right now,its still too painful and your not fooling yourself, and because of that,added to your pain is guilt of not following God. After a year, God opened my heart. And in a way, He told me not to be too hard on my self, as a father He understood,the way that we parents could understand a hurting child. After that, i let go. I texted the girl i thought and tried to be friend with, and told her every pain i feel. Even said harsh and mean things. After that, its like a big part of me has been freed..
    I know now that the battle im fighting right now is battle between me and the devil thats keep on feeding me lies. Hes a deceiver,a destroyer. When youre angry youre just giving that deceiver a place in your heart. Dont fight the people who hurt you. Dont strike back. Fight with the devil inside you, he doesnt want you to be happy and to forgive. Dont entertain bad thoughts and linger in the past.

    Isaiah 43:18-9
    Forget what happened in the past and do not dwell on events from long ago. I am going to do something new. It is already happening. Dont you recognize it? I will clear the way in the dessert.i will make rivers on dry land.

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  37. My Husband and I have been married for two years, we knew each other for three years prior to that. We both work full time, but he is also studying part time.
    I find myself doing 90% of the cooking and cleaning. I don’t mind doing it because I know he has studying to do, but I wish he would appreciate what I do.
    He can often be rude without realising it. Often when I call him to come down to eat, he shouts “I heard you the first time”.
    Sometimes when I am having general conversation with him he’ll say “stop rambling on, I’m watching the tv”.
    He’ll also snap at me at times and make me feel stupid.
    I have spoken to him about this and how he makes me feel but he he gets defensive and accuses me of exaggerating things. He doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong.

    1. You can’t change people. Weigh your options. There are, literally, BILLIONS of fish in the sea. You don’t need to be stuck with some self-centered disrespectful p.o.s. That is, unless that secretly reveals what you think you truly deserve.

      Ask yourself, “Do I like myself? Is this kind of treatment what I truly believe I deserve?”

  38. I feel for everyone who is stuck with a spouse who seems to need to blame them. The worst is when someone else screws up and you get yelled at because you are there. We had an appointment and the person forgot to show up, so we called him, and he claims he’ll be right there, half an hour later no guy. We call again, but before we call, I said can we reschedule til after lunch as I am feeling sick from not eating. So, the guy says, “almost there.”My husband says “okay fine.” He felt free to totally ignore me. Never mind that the appointment would take time and require clear thought. So, he finally calls the guy back and arranges for a later time, but them proceeds to be angry with me for not “sucking it up like a professional.” He’s still holding some strange grudge and blaming me for this guy screwing up and me needing to eat.

  39. So, basically I am getting this out of your article: you think that it is ok that your husband does not follow through with his responsibilities, and that the wife should just get used to the idea in order to be happy. I am definitely not ok with this. Not only is this idea contributing to the sexist ideal of our society that woman have certain responsibilities and men have their responsibilities, but it is telling woman that it is ok to let their husbands walk all over them. Welcome to the the last 30 years people. Wake up!! Men and women have the same responsibilities. They are equal. It is not ok nor is it healthy for a relationship, for the wife to be thought of as a maid service. It is definitely not ok for the woman in a relationship to get used to the idea of doing all the “woman’s” jobs around the house when the husband decides he just doesn’t want to do his share that day. Let me tell you about me and my husband. I go to work part time, school full time, coach gymnastics twice a week and teach piano two days a week. My husband works full time. We also have 2 children. On top of all my responsibilities, could you imagine if I had to do all the washing, cleaning, cooking, and taking care of our kids just because my husband doesn’t feel like doing anything accept sit on the couch that day? No way in hell would that go over very well. I would never sleep. My husband understands that just because he doesn’t want to do something doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to. He does it anyways. He evens does random things for me that he knows I’m trying to get done with out me asking to, and I do his jobs around the house for him once in a while too. We help each other out equally. We very rarely fight with each other and are both very happy with each other. Women: don’t be push overs. Tell your husband the way it is and don’t pick up their responsibilities because he doesn’t not want to do it that day. And husbands, remember that we live in the 21st century. Your wife is just as worn out as you at the end of the day so don’t make her pick up you extra work because your tired or just don’t want to do it yourself. This will make your wife resent you and use you as a “punching bag for her venting”.

    1. Can I get your husband to do a training session? When I try to explain, clarify, set the rules I only get a response of “I can’t do this, it’s beyond my control” and the next two hours it’s tv couch time. I have a full time serious job that pays the big bills and have to take care of our sons school, activities and housework. If I lay down the law the only option I have is sulk, pout and yelling And or an unpleasant atmosphere at home. Yes I know I am a wimp but my son adores him. What option do I have apart from walking out ? None. Your choices are not universal

      1. Well, Im a woman, and if you are like me, you don’t like being told what to do. My husband tried to put all the “womanly” responsibilities on me in the beginning, even though Im the bread winner. I solved that shit real quick. You tell me to cook you dinner? You better make other plans because I will decide to only cook for me and the kiddo. Now, I clean, but only when he takes the initiative to start. Because if I do everything on my own, we will not make it very much farther. He starts cleaning, then I immediately get up and make myself useful. Therefore, no resentment. LOL Its what works for us… And I don’t “nag” or bitch. I just show him by my actions how it’s gonna be.

        1. Of course, I had to deal with LETTING the house get real dirty before he woke up and realized I wasn’t gonna play his dark ages bullshit of a life.

        2. Way to go!!! NEVER nag or bitch. If you’re like me, doing so only makes me feel bad about myself, like I’m becoming my bitchy martyr-complex ‘mother’. That is, unless you secretly WANT to be a martyr. There are a LOT of women like that.

          NEVER nag or bitch. It gives lazy-ass men an excuse to stonewall. Just take care of yourself and the kids.

          Work out. Take care of yourself. Look GOOD. Let the fat, beer-drinking pig realize he will LOSE you unless he shapes up. NEVER put taking care of the appearance of the house ahead of taking care of your mental and physical health.

          If you treat yourself as valuable, your kids will see that and learn from you. And so will your lazy-ass husband.

    2. I don’t think that’s what she was saying at all. I’m a fiercely independent woman, and I believe in equal roles; but I also recognize the fact that you can’t force someone to do something. This woman realized she was hurting herself more than anyone else. She was constantly angry and resentful and it wasn’t changing or helping a thing. The dude’s not doing the dishes either way; so why be angry? She’s just saying she’s CHOOSING to not be angry. That doesn’t mean it’s ok that her husband won’t do the dishes; it just means she’s not letting that ruin her life.

  40. Men need to stop wih the less than clever one liners…Smart cheekiness is not their strong
    suit. So he works. Big deal. So do women, just as much when not more. Dude needs to do the dishes.

    1. I work 5-6 days a week, I do the grocery shopping, cook, do the dishes, every night. I usually end up cleaning the house, yet, my wife complains all the time about me being in a bad mood, and when I tell her I’m tired of towing the line, she says I’m being a dick, what am I doing wrong?

      1. You sound like my husband. I have chronic pain so he does the majority of household stuff. Your wife sounds like the “dick” in your situation. I wish I could help my husband more so Iet him know that and I constantly thank him for everything he does. If he’s getting super stressed and I can tell, I tell him to go hang with a friend, watch a movie in our room with the door locked (away from the kids), etc. Your wife needs to show some empathy.

      2. Your wife sounds like a selfish, delusional spoilt brat. People like that tend not to change. I suggest exploring your divorce options.

      3. I don’t believe you. You sit on your azz and make her do all the work. No wonder she has no happiness or self worth, you stole it!

  41. I think this thread may be dead. I am a husband. My wife gave me the ultimatum today. I am a grown man, I can cook for myself and wash and iron my own things starting now. She said I need to determine what things I will do around the house.
    Currently: i do the dishes when asked, sometimes I wait for half an hour after dinner. I don’t forget them. I am more likely to voluntarily wipe the dishes and put them away than wash them.
    I guess the problem is I do the things I am asked to do for the most part. I am also great at doing favors.
    I am seeing it here as I type. She shouldn’t have to ask. I should just do. Ok, I need to come up with the things that I will do around the house.
    Cleaning the bathrooms, cook more frequently, maybe assigned cooking meals. Clean the kitty litter boxes, Iron, Do dishes more frequently. Take care of the pool, Keep the grass short and the trees trimmed.
    Well I think I have made progress. What do you think?

    And by progress I know it is only progress if I do it.

    1. You sound like a decent man who actually wants to try…and you give me hope for my own marriage. I came here so angry..asking myself how on earth I could feel like I actually hate my husband in this moment when I KNOW I love him. Scared…confused…angry… Deep down I know my husband is a decent guy too (I would not have married him otherwise lol) but the real point is it usually is not really about the kitty litter or dinner…for me as an example, its about feeling valued and cared for. Its about not feeling like you are so unequal that you are just expected to do it all. I know for myself especially, its about feeling like my time is just as valuable as his. My work is just as valuable…IM just as valuable. Granted, for myself, I know I come from a family where women were not as valuable, and my husband came from a different culture, but another one that held the same kind of view. I know my husband IS actually different than that and so am I. We just have to learn to communicate better…and I say this even now, after 15 years of marriage! LOL, we still haven’t learned to master some basic things…but the good news is we HAVE learned that the little things tend to stem from bigger things that were imprinted upon us in childhood. We try to address It like that, and I am glad I came across your post because you helped me. You helped me to remember this and now I am not even angry at my husband anymore, lol…so I say to you, just ask her. Ask her If its really about the kitty litter or if its how you not doing it makes her FEEL…then you two just try to figure out what these feelings are rooted in and try to address It from the real core issue(s). I bet you, she will totally be on board…most of us love to talk about how we FEEL and WHY lol!

  42. In my marriage I do everything, attend college for elementary education and have a bad heart. I have married a high maintenance man who is self centered and only thinks of himself. He comes alive when he sees Taylor Swift and he is 62. He has never loved me like a man is to love a wife physically but he done many women from what he has told me, gladly.

  43. Women act like men have NO RIGHT to bitch! (there….I SaiD it!) Well here Goes: We don’t ask that you remove the dead mouse or deBug the fly TraP…we don’t demand she remove the toilet and InHale all those sewer fumes..we don’t require her to freeze her ass off busting ice on the windshield prior to scraping 28 inches of froZen snow in January..we better not oogle that 24 yr old bimbo in thongs as grandma sits there bug eyed and SNarLing!..and heaven forbid we leave some stoned unturned in our quest to: READ HER DADGUMMED MIND! Let’s see how she’d like playing that twisted mind GaMe? (So ALL isn’t so FaIR,, in Love and WaR(games)?

    1. I agree with this BUT what if the woman was the one debugging the fly trap, removing the dead mouse, removing the toilet, bringing home the bacon, doing the dishes, cleaning out the garage, doing the grocery shopping, cleaning the house, and his job is to work at a job/hobby that didn’t help pay the bills, and did sh*t around the house? And if you are ask for help, you are complaining? How can you not resent or not be mad? Not all guys do what you mentioned. Not all situations are the same.

      1. She said she worked as well. You’re husband probably walks all over you and yournone of those women who are perfectly happy to oblige, and that’s okay for some women. However this poster wants more out of her marriage. It sounds like she wants a partnership…

    2. dude chill. take a deep breath. All of us don’t demand those things and some of us even do them ourselves yet still get from crap from our husbands about all the things we could do better, which ironically happen to be the very things HE is doing and not following through with himself. I know I don’t ask for anything from my husband that I wouldn’t do for him, that would be way uncool. At the same time, I know I could do better about some things, I know I am not perfect…I just don’t appreciate hearing about my imperfections during every conversation, especially considering he has a lot of the same imperfections and is not taking his own advice. It can get kinda frustrating. I get you were probably just venting here, and maybe I should not be saying anything to you at all…cuz we all need and deserve the opportunity to vent some place safe…just don’t mess up your health or anything over it…if you get that stressed day to day it wont be good for you. In those cases, seriously for YOU, STOP and BREATH through it. I know it might sound nuts but it does help.

    3. Your a douche I do all that stuff and the “woman’s” work. You obviously see yourself in the post she posted about her husband so you must be a real piece of work.

  44. I’m in a similar situation. And don’t get me wrong – I love my husband dearly.

    We both worked (get to that later) full time. This is a weekday situation….
    I got up (husband bitches because my alarm clock woke him up and he had an extra hour to sleep – then blames me if he had a bad day because he lost sleep) I rush to get dressed, do makeup, hair etc. (in winter I’m up earlier to start car/remove snow/chip ice and shovel walk etc). Quickly chug back coffee, get son up (if he isn’t already), get him dressed – brush teeth, and out the door to sitters.

    Pick son up from sitters after work, get home (if hubby’s home, he’s usually already on his 3rd beer of the 2 six packs he picked up on the way home), I let son loose (hubby bitches at son for making too much noise, or climbing all over him/wanting to spend time with him) and I start dinner – constantly asking son to get away from hot stove, stay out of knife drawer etc.

    Dinner is ready and I eat myself and feed son… If hubby is done drinking (if he chose to drink, if not he goes to room as soon as the gets home) he brings his plate up to the bedroom and lays down for the rest of the evening. I clean up dishes, make lunches, get coffee ready for morning. Give son a bath, read a book or let him watch a show quietly while I clean up his toys and vacuum, then put him to bed (after he runs and gives his dad a kiss).

    I have an hour to wind down and relax.

    In bed I try to sleep and hubby flips the channels with tv on high volume until midnight keeping me awake.

    And repeat.

    Weekends – hubby only spends time with us when he is drinking – which can start as early as 11am after he crawls out of bed (meanwhile I had been up with son since 6am – if hubby is up earlier it’s to bitch at son for being too loud). When he drinks, he’s swearing, talking crudely, spilling beer/wine everywhere and not cleaning it up, falling over his own feet and bragging about being an amazing father and husband. Friday and Saturday He stays up until 4am, downstairs in the living room with his music blasting and yelling/loudly singing along – but gets angry at me when I ask him to turn it down – saying he has every right to unwind after a long week at work… and that he is downstairs for a reason – not to bother me at night. Then stumbles into bed after leaving a disaster in the kitchen from making himself so etching to eat and snores like a bear/acting out his dreams (yelling, swearing, punching – I’ve had my fair share of black eyes/fat lips etc). He gets angry when I go to the spare bedroom to try and get at least an hour sleep before son gets up.

    If he has a day off during the week (and I don’t) he still does this.

    If he chooses not to drink he lays in bed all weekend long only to get up and make himself something different to eat than us (no problem, but makes a huge mess and doesn’t even attempt to clean up after himself – eg spilling food all over counter/floor). I’m shopping, doing laundry, cleaning the house, chasing our son downstairs because he’s annoying daddy who is either trying to sleep or watch tv.

    I get my quiet time when son goes down for nap and I take advantage of it to rest/fold laundry/watch my own show.

    If son is sick, I’m up with him all night, bringing him to doctors, picking up medication etc. hubby says it’s moms job (I don’t mind honestly!)

    If I’m bed ridden – unable to move because I’m seriously ill, or after surgery – hubby will cook, clean, and watch son with no prompting – but expects me to gush and fall at his feet for being such a stand up husband. A “Thanks Babe, I love you” isn’t enough.

    He DOES take out garbage once a week (but gets annoyed at me if he forgot and I didn’t do it myself) And will mow the lawn a couple of times in the summer (but it usually falls on me because of his allergies – which I also suffer from)

    But what gets me is – hubby gets angry because I don’t spend enough time with him. I tell him I would spend more time if he didn’t spend his entire time at home either drinking or locked in the bedroom – to which I always get “hey! I worked hard all week!!” Uhm… So do I.

    In May I was laid off of work – and actually looked forward to being home with our son. I spent a lot of time working on my health issues, de-stressing, catching up on sleep and losing weight.
    Hubby insisted that supper be ready as soon as he got home – which it always was, but he still drank until about 10 pm. He got annoyed when i started putting dinner away before he was ready to eat – he wanted it hot and ready to go at any second when he decided he was done drinking – meanwhile I wanted to make sure dishes were done and kitchen clean before I went to bed.

    His family started getting angry at him (I was used to it, but his aunt saw how exhausted I always was). This past month I have been looking for work – and had turned down a few jobs because they were too far – as in too much travel time and wouldn’t work for the sitters time schedule. My hubby’s aunt finally told him enough was enough – said it was now HIS responsibility to assure son got to and from sitters (he listens to her, not me when I had tried reasoning with him). He has agreed to stop drinking on weekdays (and he followed through so far). This allows me to be less picky about where and when I work. He also has to make sure dinner is ready if he gets home before me.

    I’m not sure how long this will last – but there is a job I’m interviewing for where I work 4 days on and 4 days off – an hour drive, starts at 6:30am and ends 7pm (missing rush hour traffic, sitters is open from 7am – 5pm) . Excellent pay, even better benefits with clothing, dry cleaning and gas allowance. It would be an ideal job, only as long as hubby continues taking more responsibility.

    So in closing: for men who say they are sick of their wives nagging about helping out – I never nagged (except for asking him to have a little respect for me when I need my own sleep and to turn his misuc down on weekends/days off).

    A wife shouldn’t have to nag for helping around the house, you are in a marriage for a reason. If you are like my husband – stop taking advantage of your wife’s good nature.

    My husband has started helping out more around the house – even though I still have to ask for it at times.

    1. Sorry to say this, but your husband sounds like an obnoxiously selfish jerk. The nail in the coffin is how he treats his son. I’m a husband, and sure I have my ups and downs with the wife, but ignoring ones child is downright shameful. I’ll ignore the wife before I treat my child poorly. Sadly, I think many men do not understand how to be fathers. I know for a fact mine didn’t, but shouldn’t we strive to better than our parents? My kids come first, always.

      1. Yes, the way this guy treated his child was inexcusable and I totally agree with you. However, you don’t seem very outraged over how the wife got treated. Why not? I’m not trying to be objectionable here, I would really like to know your thought process. Frankly, she was treated much worse, basically like a slave. I know that in my family, my mother was expected to do EVERYTHING, even when she was working 3 jobs to try to support us all. I never could understand why my Dad simply parked his butt in front of the TV and expected to be waited on. He hasn’t worked in years because he said he couldn’t find a job “good enough”. I promised myself I would never let a man get away with that crap. My husband tried it. My exact words were, “Either do your 50% or get out. If you can’t add to my life instead of take away, I don’t need or want you.” Frankly, if he treated our kids well but treated me badly, I’d still kick him out, even though I love him more than anything. I learned a long time ago that its better to be alone than in a situation where you are treated badly. In my opinion, everyone has the right to be treated with respect and dignity, but I know there are some that feel only children really have right and its not a concept I’ve been able to comprehend. I hope I haven’t offended you, I just want to understand.

  45. I’m going to start off by saying I have been married for 15 years and if my marriage survives it will be because of me. My husband is a hard worker can be a good man but refuses to. He found friends who do whatever they want in their marriage with out consenting their spouse and he trys to play that trick with me. I thought I was being a good wife by giving him space to hang out with his friends wrong move. He goes out gets drunk and comes home when he wants. Men are different to ladies. I say ladies because I know of couple of women who are my opposite. Lots of my friends and peers are married and in a relationship you can either work together or alone. Many of my girl friend are dominant they tell their husband’s what to do and they do it because they are scared. I refuse to be any thing that’s not lady like .It goes against my beliefs but I refuse to be abuse or treated less then what I deserve. I don’t believe love should be one sided but two way street . So I have put my self in my Armour in this war of love and completely ignore him and did my own things because I had have conversations with him before and he ignored it and continue on with his ways . The only way a women react to such hurt is by ignoring it exist .Some times it works and the man reacts like in my case and other time it’s time to let go. Lots of time people get comfortable in their relationship and they think it’s okay and they don’t realize their situation. I personally wouldn’t want to seprate or get divorce it will be lasr option but i dont want to look at my relationship when I’m an old maid and wonder was it worth it? Your spouse should be your friend and I refuse to believe if you are a Christian that God wouldn’t want your happiness.

    1. My husband is currently throwing forks into the dishwasher because I finally nagged him enough to do it. I run a growing business all day and he gets to work a mindless factory job all day. I sometimes miss my mindless corporate job because of how hard it is to manage a growing business in a college town. If I dot put a fire under his ass to do something, he’ll just sleep–yeah sleep! I don’t know how he can be contented to work, eat, shit, and sleep when he has a family, but apparently I married that big of a simpleton! God as my witness, he needs to learn to keep up with me or I’ll find someone who will.

  46. Wow. When did marriage become a demanding battle of wills. Okay, I have definitely felt under appreciated and felt overwhelmed as well, having 4 children and a husband working away from home. When he comes home on the weekends, he may do a few things or maybe not. I have been frustrated sometimes being the sole parent for weeks on end without help and had to deal with a lazy husband for the entire weekend but I figure he needs time to chill out. Sometimes I do too,of course but lets be fair. What kind of life is it to live when our sanctuary turns into a war zone. A clean house is meant for the comfort of those who live there. How comfortable is it when we are crabbing and complaining about dishes and laundry. It will get done eventually when the pressure is off. How awful is it to do chores in total anger. Family members can agree to do one chore each if there are multiple people in the family but ask for help in a nice friendly way. Even if we are bugged that no one else is finding it a priority to do it immediately, doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking about it. They might feel the same way you do (you never know). I remember when I was a neat freak 24 years ago when I first got married and I had all of these issues with anger over the chores too but over the years, I have realized that the important things in life are not found in the freshly folded laundry or in the bottom of the gleaming kitchen sink. It took a lot of tragedies over the years to come to the realization of importance of family and trust me, this is not worth the effort. Don’t get me wrong, every home needs some order and cleanliness but balance life with dreaded chores. No one will remember in 25 years whether the dishes were done but they will remember you.

    1. My goodness. Homes are for families not combatants? I could’ve never imagined that I would finally see someone get it.

  47. WHY, oh WHY is the word “hate” used here? Do you know how serious of a word that is?? I bet the majority of women that are looking for ways to overcome “hating” their husbands are doing so to try and save a marriage. Good LORD, if my only problem with my husband was him not doing the dishes then me coming to the realization that “I can just do the dishes & decompress!!” I wouldn’t be Googling how to not hate my husband and reading insulting articles such as this. Honestly, this post should be called, “How to not be annoyed at your husband when you weren’t REALLY annoyed with him in the first place.”

    1. Amen sister. Not at all for women who are looking for ways to fix their emotionally abusive relationship, how to deal with a narcissist, or what to do about gaslighting….If only.

    2. lol I agree
      I got REAL problems dammit. My perspective is that she is a lucky woman to have such minor faults in her man.

    1. Haha I bet.
      Sorry dear, sounds like the love is one sided 😉
      Delusional much lol

  48. I think each cooks and cleans their own. I Especially think that when I am watching a movie I will be infuriated by my husband walking up to me sticking his penis in my mouth.. I am more than mad!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. Wow, yeah! I guess so. I’d be more than mad too. That’s no way to treat the person you’re supposed to honor and love, and it sounds as if he has a serious lack of respect. I mean, oral sex should be something you do because YOU want to, and not something he thinks he can randomly force on you. You don’t just cram your genitals into anyone’s mouth without making sure it’s okay with them first, even if it’s the person you’re married to. You’re watching TV and he just does it out of nowhere — that isn’t getting your permission, and that’s unacceptable. Sorry you have dealt with this. I think I’d at least tell him that his behavior is crude, ugly, and totally disrespectful. If he doesn’t care that he disrespects you, then I’d be considering the single life. 🙁

      Actually, I’m sorry for ALL of the women who have posted in this comment section with stories of having to put up with such ugly, nasty behavior from a spouse who’s supposed to love you. Wow, I had no idea how many men these days were such jerk offs. So sorry for each of you 🙁

    1. How do you know? What a mean reply. I loved this post, and I love that the author loves her husband.

      1. The impression I had while reading this was that her husband took for granted cleaning, meanwhile there is a major lack of communication within the marriage. I personally believe hate is a very strong word to use in connection to someone whom you love and care for. Though people interpret words differently, it can be taken the wrong way very easily. I understand what she means when having a state of self calmness after doing house work over a period of time. Your brain eventually adjusts to a calm state that is kind of a mix between day dream/brainstorming. Everyone is entitled to an opinion..

  49. Sorry honey, but I agree with most of the comments here. You’re a doormat with a lazy ass husband. I have the same problem. I do EVERYTHING in the house. If I didn’t, it wouldn’t get done and we’d live like slobs. Should I kick him out? I’ve thought of it often. I want an equal partnership that fosters respect. I don’t want to be a mommy and maid to a lazy man. You are overly-justifying, and I”ll be honest, I don’t believe much of what you say at all with your “cool” realizations, I think this just looks good in print. In reality I’m sure you resent him a lot, as you should.

  50. I got pissed off. I threw away all of the dishes. I bought dollar tree dishes, each a different pattern for each different person in the family. Now we know who the lazy, dirty bum is that won’t take care of their own dish (my husband lol). Not a problem, because the person with a dirty dish doesn’t eat until their dishes are cleaned. This method has worked 100 % for the past 3 months.

    1. You’re a genius!!! Every housewife here should do this. They don’t have to take crap, she simply has to teach them a lesson!

    2. I would gladly use disposable dishes, especially paper plates as they would all go in the compost pile… No need to clean what God intended to get recycled anyways.

  51. It sounds like laziness because that is exactly what it is. Being a dish soak-er is the equivalent of expecting someone else to do it. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear he’s been cleaned up after his whole life. Changing the way you view this laziness is akin to self preservation and submission, not understanding and acceptance.

    1. Sounds like you kid yourself with mental downtime, I live in the real world, mine doesn’t lift a finger to do anything. I’m leaving packing my stuff btw I hate him

    2. My wife is a stay at home mom. I work 2 jobs (I am an electrical engineer full time and I also have my own investment property management business) to support her and my 2 kids plus I handle the all the outside and inside maintenance of our home. I try hard to pick up after myself (no shoes by the door, bath my daughter and get her ready for bed some nights, clean up my messes in a timely fashion, etc). Do I expect to not have to clean the house and do the laundry too! Absolutely!

      1. You are a model husband. You are also a model friend. You are going above and beyond your share, and seem happy to do so. I hope you have a wonderful marriage and life. However, this article is not about nice guys like you. I am a very liberal woman, and am currently a stay at home wife, and loving it. I don’t expect him to do anything except pick up after himself. I don’t mind doing all the housework if he is bringing home the bacon. I would not want to clean after working all day. He gets to relax, and I don’t have to go work in the “real world.” If both people work, then it should be 50/50. Again. you are a model you have a brother for my sister? 🙂

  52. i live with a man who is: expecting me to serve his meal that i cook, then i expected to do dishes and all house works. am an artist trying to do work as in paint from home. money sometimes comes in sometimes doesnt. so right now im financially dependant on him. i know i have to leave this abusive shit one day. have zero emotional support from my family or friends god knows if they cd help me once am out without a roof and food. anyways. this poor person if i dare to tell him serving him or anyone even friends irritates me to a crazy level and i get mad every cell in my body is against serving then he treats me with this: leaves his food alone, goes to another room shutting doors behind him and shouting that a fucking blah blah.. and i make him hate his food cos i hate serving. he knows
    i hate it in general as in i cant serve friends mum or sisters anyone. it makes me feel weird. im rhinking of seeing professional help haha to solve sg in me. but i know in the same time
    that this financially successful but emotionally disastrous person is playing that “i scare you with my scary big cat fur” game so to scare me amd most importantly shut me up from further discussions on anything that i wd feel different. gods zoo is huge and i seem to bumo into this types of men repeteadly in my life. i still havent figured out why. i know i try to detach myself from my past the way i grew up with narcistic and despotic parents hopefully ill be able to get out of this cycle. will do some arc line cleaning to get rid of this weird karma…

  53. Be grateful he at least does something. On the very rare occassion that my hubby volunteers to do yhe dishes, he doesn’t actually do them. This is so he can feel good about himself for offering without having to do anything or follow through. We’ve been together 8 years and hes never used a washing machine. Doesnt know how and wont learn. Wont cook, even for himself when hes home all day and I’m out busy with our kids. So he does 0% of the housework. Literally 0%.Hes a carpenter but refuses to fix anything broken in the house. He bends over backwards for friends and family of orientation but wont lift a finger at fixing anything potentially hazardous here. He ignores our 3 children. Swears at them, tells them to f off, says he wishes they were dead to them (6,4 n 2). I do not have a paid job but I have 2/3 kids at home 24/7 and pick up and drop off our eldest. Hubby NEVER takes the kids anywhere..not even 10 mins at the park. He has never grocery shopped. I do all the “mens work” as he just wont do it. He works 4 or 5 days a week at a very cruisy job and gives me about $100 a week to pay rent, bills and grocery shop. Which obviously doesnt cut it and all the bills/debts/credit cards are in my name.

    1. Ewwww!U got a bad one! Dump him asap and try someone or something elce.Before u do that tho- Get in the best shape of your life,then kick him to the curb!Your self esteem will sky rocket.Oh yes,make sure u write down everything shi#y thing u can possibly remember that he has done to u and ur kids and when u miss him or ur sad…READ IT!!

      1. You are all making me laugh. I wish we were friends. I hav found a new page of joy and light in my currently dark and somber world….

    2. I think you’re married to my husband! The lazy, cheap, self-centred slob! And he wonders why I’m not attracted to him anymore, lol!

    3. Just wondering why if he is doing things like telling your kids to F off and he wishes they were dead you are still there? My brothers had to hear that growing up from their dad and hated themselves for it and hated my mom for putting up with it. I’m not trying to judge you just to help you think it over. He’s going to ruin their lives so u should do your kids a favor and leave him for them.

    4. He is destroying your kids lives with those comments! What an evil heartless sadistic man! Womens refuge, or find a job and get out! Friends family anyone until you get on your feet! Think of your babies!! They will HATE themselves and have lifelong issues for the things that man says!

  54. I have total contempt for my husband on a daily basis. He speaks not a word to me, acts like I aggravate him when I try to converse. The man has no interest in me whatsoever. He enjoys his alone time in the basement, fiddling around with his hobbies. Of course, that’s fine with me. When he is around me, all he does is bitches. He’s the type that asks me when I fed the cat, asks what that is in the floor, if I’ve made the bed yet, when I’ve cleaned the refrigerator, etc. He even sniffs the air to see if he catches a whiff of a turd in the cat litter box so that he can bring it to my attention. Absolute freaky shit! I work, the same as he does. I’ve been there to support him in times of trouble. I just don’t get how, a man who came from such modest means can be so arrogant and never satisfied. It baffles me. I married him because I thought he was my friend. There is no semblance of that left at all. I used to be such a bubbly, witty person. This marriage has taken its toll. I’ve had it!

  55. Yeh I no longer give a crap about housework and family life coz of my husband. I tried to play good housewife and do everything for him and kids but it got me nowhere I got nothing in return.. I’m not the type of person who gets that “warm fuzzy I look after my family well” , it’s more resentment that I had to do it and now get less time to do what I want.. Relationships are so boring, I used to think I wanted this and now I’ve got it all I want is to be single again. Wheb we first got together I was 22 and him 34.. He was really sexy, best root ever, smelt awesome, just so in his prime, if that makes sense.. Now I’m 27 and he’s 39 and he’s like an old grouch who cares about boring shit like washing, lawn and garden crap, etc etc.. I don’t even notice when he mows the lawn, coz I just don’t care, I’m not interested.. I try to care, but I dont.. Whenever he comes home I feel like rolling my eyes coz he’s gunna ask what I’m up to on the computer, who that text message is from.. I wish I was with someone closer to my age now.. Big mistake.. He’s almost 40 and it makes me feel old to be with him, I’m still attractive and have good body and lots of guys are interested but no.. I have to sit here and waste what’s left of my youth with him nagging and being possessive and just annoying the crap out of me.. I don’t want to have sex with the same guy I’ve been with for 5 years.. I either want passionate hot butterflys sex or nothing at all.. I don’t want to serve a man,.. I don’t want to be a family oriented house proud female.. I’d rather look good and my bathroom look trashed, that have a spotless bathroom but walk down the street looking “bleh”.. Some are so concerned about their house being immaculate, but still allow themselves to look frumpy.. Which seems to be the sort of chick he wants me to be.. He harass me when I put on makeup, when I look in the mirror, everything he nags and bugs and annoys me. I just wish he would leave me the fuk alone and allow me to have a little bit of enjoyment in life. I’m sorry that I dont wanna hear his complaining about work.. Yes my interment is more interesting! Is that so terrible??!! Damn.

    1. Oh fuck…. get out now, it never gets any better they just get worse. My partner is 58 and im 31, we met when i was 22
      Fucken run

    2. You, tía, are just a bitch that doesn’t know how to appreciate what you have. You are superficial and conceited and a wannabe whore. Sorry your sugar daddy turned out to actually love you! If you want to be a selfish little tart, just LEAVE your beautiful family before you fuck your kids up to be just like you. They’ll be better off with no horrible mother and just a mature dad that knows his priorities before he commits. Please don’t raise your children, they deserve better. Get your tubed tied, too. People like you can’t seem to stop popping kids out and giving them shitty lives. At least a part of you did something right by lining up a good man to take over the responsibilities when you get bored. FUCK your problems, tia. No one feels bad for you.

  56. I hate my dead husband. I was there for him during his cancer and illness and death from ALS LOU GHERIGS disease. He was NOT there for ME in MY hour of need. He was NEVER there for me! I was the amazing one for tuning in and helping him with ALL his problems. I had one major problem and he did not help ME with it. Now it is going to kill me. I am ready to die. Just trying to figure out which method. I am SO GLAD MY HUSBAND IS DEAD. HE can no longer bully me or abuse me I deserve better! I am an amazing person! I guess he deserved to die for not helping ME. I guess it was meant to be……

    1. If you feel suicidal call the suicide hotline . If you need bereavment counseling seek it out. Life is what you make if it and moving forward you now have a new life to begin.

    2. You are Crude Cruel and heartless.You are also Selfish and Self Absorbed….I lost a husband to cancer and wouldn’t wish that on anyone and surely not even on my worse enemy.You are talking about, criticizing and putting down the dead and that someone is not able to defend them self. Did it make you feel better and Do you sleep better? It’s not for you to judge that he got what he deserves. Look in the mirror and think of all you have done and all your mistakes and poor choices and judgements and ask yourself if you find out you have cancer are you getting what you deserve and do you deserve to die for your inperfections? No one is perfect.Not even you so I hate to bust your bubble because some people can’t be helped by others until they start helping themselves.

      1. Who are you to judge her? I think you are crude, cruel, heartless, and your punctuation sucks.

      2. She is not cold cruel and heartless why can it not be that her husband treated her horrible and she did just the opposite and took care of him dispute how he treated her. Obviously your relationship was different than you’re. You have judged and not walked in her shoes. I say to this Lady learn to forgive there has to be a reason why he was this way. Usually you lkearn by what you see when your a kid maybe his dad was the same way with his mom and history repeated itself or mom raised a brat or he hated women who knows. Maybe forgive him and learn to love god because he loves you and you’ll learn to love yourself the way Jesus loves you. And yes you didn’t deserve to be treated the way you were.

    3. This is so sad and a bitter thing to say. I don’t think he deserved to die a slow painful death like that. Good Lord you women are very scorned. I will go down now and kiss my husband. Here I was hating him for silly things and my man is awesome in comparison.

  57. I try this a little bit and it didn’t work for me. It’s probably because I’m over tired and stressed out I have a one year old and he nurses office tonight and read before I go to bed I make sure I clean up the house do dishes make sure there’s no nothing on the counters etc . Mind you my fiance stays up late and watches TV while I go try to sleep when the baby sleeping. I wake up the next morning and there is food on the counter bottles in place in the living room dishes in the sink and a whole bunch of crap for me to do. I don’t mind doing helping I don’t mind cleaning up here and there but I feel like I’m taking care of him like he’s a child. He does work during the day and I work 3 days a week as wel. Tell me how easy is Job is. And when I come home from my job I don’t rely on him to take care of me and take care of the baby I come home at 10 o’clock in night exhausted take care of my son. It make sure I put him to sleep then try to get myself situated so he sits down stairs watching TV. Like every other night… I only went because I don’t know if its me or if its him I don’t know if it’s just I’m just tired or 4 H has something to do with that because I’m 23 and he’s 34 I just feel like I’m being taken advantage of and I feel like I’m over exhausted now I don’t mind taking care of my son he’s a baby of course that’s what I’m supposed to do but when you wake up and take care of a grown man that’s just irritated I’m sorry I mean take care of a grown mans must like cereal boxes and food on the counter excetera.

  58. Wonderful site. Lots of useful info here. I’m sending it to several pals ans additionally sharing in delicious. And obviously, thanks to your sweat!

    1. My husband is a slob. He left his shit stains splattered all over the bottom of the seat. I had to ask him to remove them because I wasn’t his maid. I was surprised to find out how much of a slob he actually was since he served a decade in the military as a single man- he was expected to keep his room clean at all times. Once he married me he figured I would do all the work. My work load has exponentially increased since I married him. I think ultimately our differences have grown too strong and I’m tired of his shit, figuratively and literally. It’s gotten so bad we have 0 communication. I was the one who talked first after a big fight. It’s been a week since we were on good terms and would you believe he hasn’t even tried addressing our issues? Of course not. Fuck him.

  59. marriage sucks.
    I was wondering..
    Anyway it actually says in the Bible that it is better not to get married.
    My husband has lied..stolen and treated me like I’m making him pay all the bills. And all our extra money I’m giving to a church and he has to part of the worship team…I stopped working as a flight attendant to take care of our I know..everything is permissible but not all things are benificial.
    I decided not to have kids..we are both attractive people..but we have a ton of problems…I am not sure that life will ever be fair…but if you can enjoy your life somehow and think outside the bix..have some balls and a part time job..get in shape and get to know God/jesus because God will never let you down..people always stop trying to make yourselves or your spouses ir your situations perfect…figure your lives out according to what God can handle..not what you can handle..take a vacation by yourself..take your kids to his something radical..go work in an ophanage in India and take pics of yourself and be nice…Im an exstripper/porn girl..and I know that as a woman I will always be searching for romance and love..but the way to seak this is to fall in love with yourself and your life and your creator…and be strong in your understanding of your own desires and needs..husbands and wives should not be expected to do all these things..womens perspectives are difderent from mens perspectives..but women need to stay married but get a life!…I am speaking for myself..I’m so sick of these human feels..but Christian marriages and marriages in general gave huge opposition in the spiritual realm…EExplore the ideas that there is a devil and he does want you to be muserable and you and your familiy to spend eternity being tortured and continosly murdered.. I know for a fact marriage is a higher’s not about what you get…Its about the magical..loving..victorious life you can create through a living kind generous mysterious God..let’s go get it!

    1. I despise my husband he’s a lazy selfish slob. We have 4 boys and I’m 38 weeks pregnant with finally a girl. He’s in the army and on leave to “help out” he sits on his butt all day not picking up any slack. He sneaks up and plays video games all night and then spends the whole next day whining about being tired. He won’t even pick up after himself all his dirty clothes on the floor, trash never makes it to the can. I wish he’d go back to work, I’m doing more with him here. He blows tons of money on online gaming, his personal hygiene is horrible, he lies constantly and yells at kids. Before I got pregnant I had been in pain killers for back injury I got in the army and he stole them from me and got addicted mixing them with alcohol. He has secret friends online and had a porn subscription where he paid to webcam. Last summer he was away with the army and he got a tinder account and had an affair with a 19 year old while I was home with our 4 boys the oldest being 13 only 6 years younger then his slut, I’m sure there were more too. I hate him with a passion and so do my kids. He refuses to move out and when I ask him to he calls me names and belittles me. I just want this monster out of my life

      1. Why in the world are you pregnant again if you feel this way? And just pack up and leave him if hr won’t go. These types if marriages are sad and make me realize my husband is my as bad I thought. He would never cheat or mistreat me or the kids. I just hate he doesn’t help with things as much as I would like and he spends almost all day in his office. But reality is he comes out and grabs the baby if she is crying or ask if he can help in anyway between his working hours and when its dinner time. Guess my husband is one of the good ones even when I think he isn’t. But you need to stop having kids with this man and leave him when you have had this baby and are physically able. This is ridiculous….

  60. I found my self on this site because my husband is hateful an rude but by the time I finished reading some of these post I realized that life is stressful an being married is a job.My hubby does house work an whatever I ask him to do most of the time…..anyway the reason I’m even posting this is because dishes an house work are apart of life you swept today you will sweep tommoro an the dishes an all these petty things that we women over think an stress about really don’t matter at the end of the day most women know what there husbands were prior to marriage an if roles were reversed men wouldn’t need wives IF your marriage suffers over dirty dishes then buy paper plates men dont do well with with drama so do your hubby a favor do the dishes an pick up the stuff he leaves around because you love him an if you don’t another women will think before you leap a wife has a job an the husband has a job the rest is apart of life married or not

    1. I want to stand up for dish-soakers here! I’m a dish-soaker and I always return and wash them up. However, I’m the female ‘housewife’ so to speak and my issue is that my (male) partner does nothing around the house. So is it hardly surprising? In fact, I champion being a dish-soaker because it makes the washing easier. Before I moved in with him, my partner would leave countless plates and pans to crust up for days on end. On some occasions, if he cooked, he would leave them to crust and then I’d have to come along and clean them before I could do anything and it would take ages! Now he complains if on the rare occasion I ask him to do the dishes that they’re all full of water! Hello?! This actually makes your job easier?! Idiot.
      And then I get to thinking like that.
      I hate hating my partner, partly because it’s such a negative state to be in and reminds me of previous times I’ve felt powerless in my life. And mostly because it means I’ve realised he’s not the guy I thought he was when we started going out. I thought he was perfect – how wrong! Like so many of these posts, I’ve realised that he has no desire to help around the flat (and it’s only a tiny flat!), he gets angry when I try to talk to him about the situation, he has HORRENDOUS personal hygiene, and worst of all I’m starting to feel like the only thing he wants me for is sex and to cook his meals and clean up after him. The thing is, that makes me feel incredibly uninterested in sex, and so…we just don’t do it anymore.
      since I moved in three months ago it has been a downward spiral. Because he works 40hrs a week, out of the house, it’s as though he thinks he is entitled to sit back. Wouldn’t we all like to do that? But I work more or less 40 hrs a week IN the house, but because my time is flexible I might do the cooking etc because I will work through the weekends or at evenings instead. However, he’s never here so he doesn’t see the work I do. It’s so frustrating because it feels as though I am being undermined and devalued when I casually suggest he hasn’t done the washing up in a while or even made me a coffee in a week, and he retorts with ‘I’VE BEEN OUT OF THE HOUSE 45HRS!’. Absolutely no time to make me a cup of tea then………. I don’t want it to descend into bickering and tried to pre-empt this by having a chat when I first moved in. Unfortunately, he can’t talk about stuff like this. Maybe it makes him feel uncomfortable because he recognises how lazy and selfish he has become? I have tried to discuss the issue in a light-hearted way, a calm way, a serious way….every way possible, and to no avail! Help!!!
      Unfortunately, I am too in the situation where I literally wish I was single again. However, even if we split up over this, I’d be terrified of getting into a relationship again in case it was worse than this if not just the same. We may have to move back to our hometown in a month or so, so I think that in that scenario I am going to have to tell him that I can’t live with him again if he doesn’t respect a balance of housework. I should have been as blatantly clear when I first moved in, instead of beating around the bush just saying ‘I need things to be clean;, because that seems to have translated as: ‘well if she needs things to be clean, she can clean them herself’.

  61. I’m sorry but I feel like you just let your husband win. My husband is a lazy man that thinks his job is to provide the food and a place to live and when his work day is done, he’s off the clock. Sorry in a marriage you are never off the clock. He comes home and play World of Warcraft and my daughter and I don’t seem to matter to him. He doesn’t talk to us and we do nothing together. I’m only good for when he needs something. How do I fix this? Whenever I try to talk to him about it he makes fun of me. I am afraid I may have to end it because I deserve much better than this.

    1. Yeah, that’s pretty bad, I’m sorry you are going through that. I think men are inherently selfish creatures. I know it’s a constant struggle for me but I do my very best to make sure I do something nice for my wife everyday usually without her asking about it. (do the dishes while she’s taking a nap, clean the entire house while she’s out shopping, ect.) I also happen to be a gamer but I’m realistic; it’s my hobby, not my life. I agree with a lot of the other posters on here about not getting angry at him, it puts us in defensive mode and all we do in that mode is justify our life style to you and ourselves. What I would do (I’m sure Dr. Phil would tell you its a terrible idea.) is belittle him subliminally. What I mean is maybe one day make him pancakes with a bacon smiley face on them…call him a man-child in front of his friends if he has any (wasn’t trying to be a dick but us gamers aren’t big on socializing with tangible people.). I would also make him feel bad – it’s possible, say things like “well……I guess I’ll just get around to it..” make him feel bad about not helping you with things. Another thing, laugh with him…my wife and I are always laughing together about the stupid stuff we do. Marriage is not easy by any means but my wife and I have it much easier than other married couples by choice, we have no children and don’t want them, she’s 40 and I’m almost 25 so we have a 15-16 year age gap.

  62. Um, I’m sorry, if there is something important to my husband and he tells me, such as not putting shoes in a specific place by the door, then am I obligated as his wife to do my best to try and make sure the shoes don’t go there? I think the issue here is if there’s an agreement, then we should both hold up our end in order to make a happy partnership.

    I’m glad you were able to make your piece with your husband “doing things his way”, but I’d like to know that my needs are just as important as his.

  63. My husband is lazy, plays games on his console for hours everyday……we have 1 son and between me and my mother (super helpful and awesome) we share times feeding, changing nappies etc….what gets to me is he doesn’t spend time with us much at all…..when baby wakes up and starts crying he gets annoyed and complains how tired he is etc….and I’m like woah and you do what exactly besides gaming?! hardly anything except the odd times you finally get your ass up do something helpful”…..yeah I know I might sound bitchy but I mean seriously….I have no idea what to do……whenever I try to encourage him it drains my energy because he complains and has all the most ridiculous excuses he can think of to say…….even his gran has tried helping but he’s just so damn stubborn….Changing the topic……when I get all you know romantic/private time mood he doesn’t show much excitement, I feel like it’s a chore for him whenever we make love even though he tells me that he loves me, thinks I’m beautiful and loves having private time with me but for some weird reason I just don’t feel it…..100%……the first time we made love it was wonderful but ever since after that it hasn’t been the same……when I finally moved in with him I bought him a gift (xbox 360 at the time), I got the impression from him that he loved the outdoors and had a job……but I soon found out that wasn’t true….the day I moved in he got his console out and played for hours on end, as if I didn’t even exist in this world he played with his brothers and friends……I would just sit at the window and look out and stare at the stars………that was the first day……we didn’t do anything at all really except now and then go for a swim…..when we found out I was pregnant he didn’t even bother looking for a job or get on an benefit just to keep us a float…..I love him so much, it kills me when he doesn’t show much interest…….most of the people I know have said why if you know what he was like and is like why be with him?……I’m stupid and I love him so much……..that’s all…..sozz for long winded comment/reply/message/other

  64. I’m seeing post after post about lazy entitled men. I too am married to a lazy man who completely takes me for granted. Is there not any hope for these relationships?? Where have all the strong men gone? What is with this lazy man epidemic? I hear about it from all of my friends. What are we doing wrong? I’ve seen unhealthy marriages where the woman just accepts her fate and lives out the rest of her unhappy life silently and then I’ve seen the women that speak up for themselves and move on and get divorced. Has anyone successfully motivated or communicated to their husbands so that they do their part?? Please I don’t know how much more I can take.

    1. Seriously, I’m so depressed about it. My husband and I share a car, his is brik b, I’m the one making all the payments, has to do all the maintenance on it and guess what, he leaves it with NO GAS AS IM ON THE WAY TO PICK KIDS UP FOR MY SECOMD JOB. When I come home and say hey, you need to not leave me on empty he tells me to stop bitching. He never makes dinner, doesn’t even have the decency to put dishes in the dishwasher he just leaves them, leaves clothes everywhere wrappers… I ask him to help like make dinner One night a week he said OK I’ve been asking for six months now and nothings happened I’ve also asked him hey can you maybe help out a little bit he says what the hell are you talking about I do hESP you’re crazy for saying that I don’t don’t you remember I clean the house sometimes ice ask you if you’ve mop because you said you have and there’s a little bit of food all over the floor still so here is critiquing my cleaning job and then he says that I’m crazy and stressed out all the time well I work two jobs and then I take care of two people

      1. Sorry AutoCorrect is crazy on my phone and never spells the word gray and usually mixes up the words after I write good luck deciphering my message

    2. I’ve only been with two men who weren’t lazy. One hit me and the other constantly accused me of cheating. I wish I stayed with one of them instead of my husband. It’s that bad.

  65. Wow a lot of these comments are interesting. My boyfriend of 3 years refuses to do any house work. He does cook but that is it. He will make a big mess in the kitchen, such as; leave garbage on counter, leave out bread, leave out meat and even dishes/sauce spoons. I have done everything in the world. I stopped doing his laundry for a month I put it all in a plastic bag he didn’t care. I stopped picking up after him he didn’t care. When it comes to cleaning I do everything. I have never seen him clean a toilet or mop a floor. He says oh your better at it. I own a cleaning business but do I really want to clean again when I get home? Why does he get to sit and do nothing? Why does he get to play on his computer and do nothing to contribute to the house? I don’t understand where men get off thinking this okay? I have asked him nicely and he will only do something if I ask him to come up stairs (without telling him why) and he will do a task such as help me make the bed if it takes under 5 min if its something such as putting away clothes he will lay on the bed and say I’m too tired. Do you think maybe I get tired? I have tried it all he truly does not care about our home. What makes me the most upset is when he yells at the kids for having a messy room and his clothes are all over the floor in his room. Its frustrating when the person you love is suppose to be your teammate and they refuse. It’s a stab in the heart. We are all adults here why can’t we act like it? It’s extremely embarrassing when people come over unexpected and your house is a mess. I usually pick up everything (mine and his plus clean the whole house) wait a few days and say hey can you pick up now? He will go pick out every little thing that is not his and go oh that is not mine, that’s not mine, oh I didn’t leave that there. I want to understand why it becomes a childish game. I think its peter pan syndrome.

  66. Man, my husband is a lazy selfish guy too & I knew it before we got married but I stupidly thought it would be a bit better once we had kids. I often feel like he doesn’t give a shit if we’re here or not. He will help out with stuff if I ask though (which I don’t a lot cause I think that’s part of my own control issue), I have been trying to more lately. I wish he would play with the kids more, that’s my biggest pet peeve. Also I’m a sahm so I feel like the home stuff is my job & I really don’t want to fight about it. He doesn’t handle criticism well either & when he gets mad he shuts down & leaves the room & doesn’the ever talk about it again, I wish we could go to counselling but I pretty sure he wouldn’t, he’d probably take it as a divorce threat.

  67. If he didnt do the dinner dishes, and you of course shouldnt have to, then how did you prepare breakfast in the morning? It sounds like you washed them. Or, make breakfast in a dirty kitchen?

    See, I dont think you value cleanliness much more than him. I just think you like the dishes done, so you can work in the kitchen at breakfast or lunch time the next day.

    I would not prepare breakfast for him or the children on those days. Let him deal with the residual problems his negligence created.

    While it is ood to detach, and take pressure off a disagreeable point, there still remains the fact that dishes are not washed promptly for love of cleanliness, but for use in preparation at the next meal or snack time.

  68. What a bunch of hooey!@! Thank him?? For what exactly???? Not fixing a g.d. thing??? I work pretty damn hard and have for 20 freakin’ years and don’t recall ever hearing a thank you!!! I could say ‘thank you for ruining my life!’

  69. My husband helps but not equally. Communicating doesn’t solve it if he doesn’t actually take it on board. When he really gets to me I go treat myself on his credit card.😊

  70. I want to use this platform like to share my experience although the story is quit long i will try to be brief. Robert and i have been married for six years now, we have been doing relatively fine although his mother doesn’t like me,she has been trying to separate us ever since we got married. All of a sudden my husband started acting weird, he doesn’t eat home anymore nor relate with or play with our son. He came home one day and said he wanted a divorce, i was so heart broken and confused i didn’t know what to do. I was surfing through the net one faithful day and i came across an article about how to cope with divorce and all that. after reading it someone commented on how she was helped by a spiritualist/spell caster who helped her in saving her marriage, she dropped the spell caster email address so i decided to contact him. He promised to help me in getting my husband to love me like before and he promised me that he wouldn’t want the divorce once he is done with the spell. surprisingly he made it happened and i didn’t spent too much. All i am trying to say is sometimes we need a little help in keeping the ones we love, i am not ashamed of what i did plus it doesn’t have a negative effect on him.If you need this spiritualist help in saving your marriage you can contact him on his email address ; onarutemple@gmailcom wish you good luck

  71. My wife has it hard. I wake up in the morning and get my stepdaughter ready for school then bring her to school and go to work. She’s woken up exactly four times in the last four years to help. She seldom gets out of bed before noon but does open her eyes to play phone games, which calls being “up.” I’m not sure what happens between noon and about 4-5 but that’s when she starts to do housework. After work I often run errands on the way home, doing all the grocery shopping, taking care of whatever needs to be done, then walk in just as she’s starting housework, and I’m expected to help, of course. I’ve literally been told that since I sit at a computer all day I’m not doing anything different than her. I should clarify there are no other children to take care of except two dogs, who she says are “her children.” She doesn’t have a job and refuses to look for one. I finally fired the gardener because $300/month was ridiculous; she complains about it daily.

    She does do most of the cleanup for the three of us, one of the three being her and the other her daughter. And she does about 3/4ths of the cooking; maybe less if I include when I bring take-in home, which is frequent. She does all the laundry and complains about it incessantly. Her daughter has an enormous wardrobe, that I bought (there’s no child support) but doesn’t like to wear clothes twice. I was told her daughter resents me because I’m a “control freak” after I put a monitor on her game system and found her playing 4-5 hours per day on weekdays and more on weekends. She’s a teenager who doesn’t know how to cook, has never done a dish, doesn’t clean, and routinely lies about homework.

    Do I sound resentful? I do and I am. Does it occur to me I could leave and pay little or no alimony and no child support? It does. Should I? After reading the responses here it’s awfully tempting.

  72. I guess most men are pretty useless as a husband to be expected to be an equal partner to take care of the kids/house. They expected the wife to work (earn money), take care of the kids, cook, do dish, do grocery shopping, clean the house, laundry, etc. The list is endless. While they needs relaxing time after a long day at work. Hello, do you think woman don’t need me time/relaxing time? After a long day at work, wake up early to get the kids ready, rush to pick the kids, clean them, cook and feed them/make sure they eat, read and play with them, prepare them for bed. Once the kids asleep, tidy up/clean the house.
    I got an angry face from my husband when he was home not working, to vacuum (I think it will only spend him 15 minutes), while he has so much time watching whatever movies.
    Not too sound very pessimistic, but I find it hard to understand why older woman (mom, auntie, etc) expects younger women to get married soon then have kids. I found life is harder after marriage and kids compare to single woman who is independent.
    If a woman is independent and has her own job & life, I find little benefit of marrying a man, except for better financial situation. Some of my girl friends, most of them agree, there have never been equal (for us) once the kids are there. One trick to reduce the argument, hire a maid/helper to do weekly cleaning, so that everyone is happy. Of course in order to do that, the household should be in a better financial situation.
    Good luck!

  73. So you just kept doing the dishes instead of asking him to. How revolutionary! You do realize that’s what 99. 9% of women end up doing right? I’m the sole breadwinner and do all of the housework while my husband sits around playing video games. I guess I should just rethink dishes time and make it fun in my own head like you did!

    1. Rethink everything. Ladies. SELF WORTh is what you’re missing. Unless he’s not doing SOMETHING that is a sacrifice for him- so, bathing kids, cooking, groceries, than you Better believe I’ll do what I want and let the rest go. I’ll let it go right into his shower. Or a trash bag. IF he doesn’t care it’s because you didn’t stand tall. STOP doing a things and being mad he’s practicing human nature. Sit down and make a roommate business partner marriage contract. Put your expectations and your goals. You’ll be better off. Instead you guys do all the grunt work and stay angry. As he plays videogames and stepped over his piles of clothing next to the bed, you’re the one that suffering not him. But when he needs something to wear to work on Monday and all his clothes are filthy in a pile- that’s his problem. Guess he’s SOL. Stop being martyrs. Do you things in this life by choice. Without anger. Acceptance is not condoning.

  74. I’m sorry but this is HORRIBLE. It’s not a good technique, or a nice story, it’s just “How I talked myself into being ok with doing all the work while my husband carried on lazing around.”

  75. sounds like he’s lazy and you’re in denial and making excuses for him.

  76. I understand what you are saying Kate. I just wish you were a little more honest with yourself. You are settling. Period. You are accepting that you are settling.. because the alternative is to be miserable in a marriage you have zero intention of leaving. I understand the psychology of what you’ve done and it’s fairly simple. You stopped caring. I’m not saying that is right or wrong, I’m just saying you need to own the fact that you are unhappy, but choosing to settle because it’s easier than leaving, starting over, and sharing custody of your kids.

  77. Holy moly, This is the most dated article I’ve ever read. It’s a nightmare! I wonder how her marriage is now? Are they still happily married? If so, its probably because she just bites her tongue and lets her husband walk all over her. Honey, I hope you’re doing things differently now. You don’t deserve to do all the work around the house, even if he is “working” all day…because YOU are TOO. Taking care of his kids. Please, realize your self-worth. When you wrote this…I was 20 years old…even then I wasn’t in a committed relationship but I knew that I knew my self-worth. I’m 27 years old now, and have been in a relationship for 3 years…I’m having this issue now and guess how us Millennials handle it? We flip for it – lol! The job gets done every time. Look outside of your little male dominated box, there’s so much more to life then making sure you’re marriage doesn’t fail. This not solely your responsibility. Did you ever think maybe he’s not someone that deserves you…if he can’t simply do the dishes whenever you don’t want to? Times are different, life is different. and you should be living it to your fullest and most importantly setting a great example for you kids! Could you imagine your daughter having to take care of her kids most of the day, and also shut up and do the dishes and the rest of the chores too…all by herself. That’s just plain silly & ridiculous! Hope things are better for you now! Women deserve to be treated like the queens we are! 🙂 (I wrote this super quick, before I have to board a plane…so my apologies for any typos) Much Love!

  78. Absolutely not, I’m not turning dishes into my “me time” that’s absolutely ridiculous. This is some next level housewife martyrdom bologna.

    1. My husband doesn’t do anything unless I tell him. It’s so f…… frustrating. House work ,constantly reminding him “ the kids homework needs to be done Why I would want to thank him for something he did not want to do it in a first place.
      Why the heck I would Want to live in a denial that doing dishes or any housework chores for him it’s ok ,and turned into “me time “ that’s ridiculous!!
      Kudos for you lady for being mentally strong ,and taking another load of responsibilities on your shoulders ( helping your husband to mature and grow up ) It must take lots of mental strength to do it.

  79. You just keep telling yourself that it’s okay for him not to do it, because otherwise you’ll be stressed and for a reason. That’s called DENIAL. And that’s exactly how man get away with not doing anything. You’re just as tired as he is, if not more. The kids and food and many other things are all for him to enjoy with you, and you literally made them for him. But you will also do the dishes of course like a good girl that you are. And he will rest because he’s tired and does so much to support you. Let’s get him an award for supporting his family. Bravo!! The day we, women, are able to get stronger and not tolerate this ignorant and egocentric behavior of men maybe, just maybe things will go a little better for us. For now, we’re mostly in this phase of “I’ll just pretend this is fine so I don’t stress about it”. Just my two cents. And I wish your family peace and love either way!!

  80. Your so right! Why dont you let the dishes sit right there and pile up…you have more dishes to use the next few nights…actually my best advice is paper plates! He doesn’t want to help wash dishes, start serving food on paper plates and throw away silverware…Bad thing is…most men won’t care…SO DO THE PAPERPLATES!!!!!

    1. I’m jealous of all these women in the comments who can afford paper plates. We can hardly afford paper towels!

  81. I think it is alright for a woman to do all the household only as long as she doesn’t have an additional job. Being a homemaker (housewife) is a full time job, but it is also a job that doesn’t really take as many hours as we make it seem (appliances help cut the time, washing machines for example), washing dishes is utterly boring as it probably is filling papers in an office, it’s just another task, you can go at your own pace most of the time and have small breaks. Having small children who aren’t in kinder and do walk make he job harder, fact. Now, does anyone else go to their husband’s job and helps them out?. No.
    Now, it is a very different story if a woman has a job, then households should be 50/50, it is only fair.
    The children should be given equal attention by both parents too. Bedtime shouldn’t fall back all on the woman for example, or showering them.

    If the woman who wrote the article does work outside the home or something and she has to use all this mental gymnastics to be happy about her marriage, then I think she is gaslighting herself and trying to live in denial just to not argue with her husband or build more resentment.

    I’ve been with my partner for over 12 years and I don’t like him anymore for a long list of reasons. But one of those is because even though it is true that as a homemaker I have my responsibilities, it would have been so beautiful to just come home one single day from grocery shopping and find the dishes done just out of love for me. Not because I asked, not because I nagged, dishes waiting there piled up because I couldn’t do them earlier. Just simply to surprise me. It just feels so nice when someone does something like that. An act of service. But that’s my love language.
    My partner just likes to gift me food. I’m tired of that, I eat it as comfort food, sometimes I wish I could cry. We are not on the same page. My husband seemed different when I met him. The years made me realize I chose badly.

  82. When the dishes do get done by him, i’m expected to thank him and praise him for it but when I go to put them away more then 1/2 are still dirty.

  83. I’m in this same boat right now, but this advice isn’t sitting right with me. If doing the dishes is important to you, and you’ve made an agreement that whoever cooks cleans too, then it should be important to your husband to follow through on that because YOU are important to him.

  84. This is disturbing. You just described your devolution into complacency. He also knew you would give up and that’s why he continued to engage in poor, disrespectful behavior. I guarantee this dynamic plays out in many other situations in this marriage as well.

    Much the same way an abuse victim will find a way to get by in a terrible situation, you accepted that your husband wasn’t going to meet your needs, so you found a way to deal with it. This is not advice you should be dispensing out to vulnerable women. Shame on you. Go see a therapist.

  85. I wasn’t searching for this thread but stumbled on it by chance. I read a good number of responses before deciding to see if I could chime in. It will be interesting to see if a comment from a guy gets included.

    At the risk of immediately being labeled an insensitive narcissist, I have to say, ladies, get over yourselves. Knock the ‘poor me’ chip off your shoulder. Leave your resentments over petty issues at the door. I read a good number of responses and it is sad that so many are consumed with putting stick marks on a tally sheet of who does what instead of concentrating on building a strong relationship based on mutual trust and respect, loving your partner, being accepting of faults, and looking at the bigger picture. Life really is short. Time is insensitive and cruel. If their is disparity then work toward a solution or move on. You both owe it to yourselves and the rest of your immediate family to have a fulfilling relationship. If you have to spend that much of your life having to play the role of being the great equalizer then it is time to move to more fertile ground. Or perhaps some need to ask themselves do they like and choose to play that role?

    For couples who truly care for one another, things usually equal out in the long run. No I don’t think husbands should be slackers nor should wives be expected to be servants. Respect, admiration, and true happiness is almost always hard earned and easily lost, including in relationships. Maybe I am one of the ‘jerks’, but I believe there is more to life and a solid relationship than who forgot to put the dirty laundry in the washing machine or let the dishes soak for 10 minutes until they were washed. Personally, I don’t believe I have to be thanked for every little chore I perform around the house. I do expect an occasional slap on the back from my SO when I get done working 80 hours in a week and still manage to do household chores. What I expect for myself is what I need to give to my wife. When praise or proof of having your partner’s back becomes the primary motivating factor in anybody’s life, the relationship is over.

    I work in a healthcare setting. I am part of a team, of both men and women, with the job of intervening in critical and life threatening situations. I do not think I am special or deserve more than any other. Everyone has their share of good times and burdens to bear, maybe not what I have but certainly no less demanding and unique to them. I choose to do what I do. Actually I feel fortunate to have seen so much misery, what life can bring and take. It has forced me to concentrate on and soak up every moment that I can. Relish every second as if it was my last. Be amazed at the little things instead of resenting them. When I look at my wife’s dirty socks on the floor I don’t get irritated because they aren’t in the hamper. It brings a smile to my face because she wears socks that are uniquely feminine (multi-colored often with some sort of figure or doodle on them). When my wife cooks she is messy. The whole kitchen is in disarray. Often as I clean up (usually my job), I don’t get irritated because I have to work harder to clean up the mess. I appreciate the fact that she prepares great meals and being messy is just a cute part of her personality.

    Some of you need to stop being so myopic and realize there are often positives as well as negatives in another human being. Which traits outweigh the other in your SO? The theme of Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus is an old and worn out topic from several generations ago. Turn your headlights on. Not to say that the world is all fair and there is no inequality. Just saying, make it work, make peace with it, or move on. Please quit with the hatch marks though. That is such a deal breaker.

  86. Waste of a read. Was hoping your story would turn into your husband started to help but really you just forced yourself to enjoy doing all the work.

  87. This is insane- I’m with the women who are saying that “men shouldn’t have a ticker tape parade for doing basic tasks.” I have been married for 7 years, we have a 4 year old. I am the breadwinner and I do EVERYTHING at our house, all the physical labor, mental labor, logistics, grocery shopping, cooking, bill paying, clothes buying, you name it- I do it. I’m not saying im perfect, sometimes I wait a week to fold the clothes, but the only thing I ask of my husband is to clean the kitchen after I cook dinner and to put leftovers in the fridge. HE WILL NOT DO IT. We have fought for years about it. He comes home, lays on the couch for 4 hours, and then goes to sleep after dinner. He will wait a week to wash dishes after nagging him endlessly, and then get pissed off that I reminded him again. I’m over it, we are going to have another kid in the Summer and I told him that if he can’t step it up, I don’t know what to do. Honestly are there any realistic ways to not hate your husband and to get them to actually help without them complaining or getting angry that they had to get off of their duff to do one thing? I hear all the people saying “you chose this person.” I did and I don’t want to regret it anymore. At my wits end with no mental capacity to “decompress by doing dishes.”

  88. I love how all the women commenting on here are so up in arms about something trivial like dishes (seriously, a child can do dishes). My wife is the same way and it amazes me that I can remodel the bathrooms exactly how she wants including custom tile work (I wear a suit to work and am not a tradesman, just very skilled), tear a muscle in my shoulder (when is the last time you tore a muscle doing dishes) expanding window wells for the finished basement that she wanted, and the millions of other things that I do that she is completely incapable of doing and here we are arguing about dishes. Let’s face it – dishes are simple and are not hard, but I am the one that builds anything she wants, shovels the snow, maintenance the cars, do all the grocery shopping, cook 1/2 the time, get the kids ready for school (make breakfast, make lunches, take them to school, etc), do most of the laundry because the baskets are heavy (I do NOT fold/put away), take care of our garden and yard, earn 3 times as much money as her at my job, etc, etc, etc and here we are fighting about dirty dishes. Women need to get real and appreciate everything their husbands do (if you have a husband that does nothing, you have a valid complaint) and understand that I just spent 25 hours building a shed so you can park your car in the garage without running into the lawn mower so NO, I AM NOT DOING THE GODDAMN DISHES. If my wife wants to pour concrete and build a quality shed (yeah right), I’d be happy as hell to do dished for 15 minutes then sit on my ass for two days. Get real, ladies!

  89. brainwashed pickme article. kicking such guy to the curb is the only valid solution. don’t let low effort males walk all over you.

  90. and to the dude saying he builds a shed or maintains the cars and therefore does not have to do dishes: yeah bs. you can do your tasks whenever you feel like it because daily life does not depend on them. dishes HAVE to be done. daily. and usually it takes longer a day than 15 minutes, all the housework that is “just” cleaning in a busy household takes 1-2 hours daily. so I hope you build 15 sheds a year. and if she runs into the lawnmower then organize this sh*t better, this is what you want praise for anyway. a child can do dishes – but obviously you can’t.

  91. I suppose if my husband (hypothetically) didn’t do the dishes after I cooked, I’d come up with a series of solutions that would lessen the load of the work on myself. I work full time, and I do have a son, which we cooked for – but if I worked overtime – maybe until 7 or 8pm – I really can’t say I was expected to cook a lot – otherwise we’d be eating at 10 pm. I was too busy making money to cook. Also, just making a honest observation – I feel like a bore or that its too mundane if I make it seem like my life is about cooking or dishes no matter how frustrating the chores. I’d rather say to my friends something about achievments. Like I’m out traveling, I’m taking a class in such and such. I’m at a fundraiser, I’m working on a book etc. Anyway, IF the dishes issue came up – if said husband considered himself a “soaker,” I’d buy a giant sink tub, fill it with soap and water, and say – here you go. Then walk away. The next day, right before cooking a meal, IF the dishes were still soaking, I’d simply ask the husband to rinse them off, so that I could serve another meal. If he delays that, then dinner would not be served on plates. Obviously he doesn’t get it, or doesn’t care. My opinion would be he doesn’t care, since IQ levels haven’t dropped. I guess then, dinner wouldn’t be served. Or it would be served on paper plates. Even spaghetti would be served on paper plates and plastic forks and knives. This could go on for a time. If he still doesn’t attend to the soaking dishes, I’d order out a pizza. The next day, I’d make dinner reservations, or deliver a meal. I would consider these “my solutions” UNTIL, he does the cooking OR the dishes. His choice. Dishes would still be soaking – believe me if I was cooking. IF he offered to cook, then I’d go to the soaking dishes which have been soaking for several days – rinse and dry them off. This is called training. If said husband does not “help” do chores, then it’s less work to be single in my mind. Less work would be better for women, and marriage would be considered detrimental. ( In addition – my mother got horrible varicose veins that cover her legs from standing in a kitchen – I use a chair)

  92. Word of advice from someone married over 40 years: The longer you continue to lie to yourself under the guise of “making a positive out of a negative”, the more unexpressed anger you build up and we all know what unexpressed anger is: Depression. Marriage isn’t about making it all about gaslighting your own self into believing what, in truth, is a load of BS.

    Men have been living off the emotional dole from women who’ve been willing to excuse away their husband’s inability to own up, man up, and take responsibility for their deficiencies as a human being and full partner in a relationship. You cook the dinner. He washes the dishes. Who’s putting the kids to bed? Him? Doesn’t sound like it. So he works. He’d still work if he wasn’t married.

    This “praise him and he’ll do the right thing” is as ludicrous as trickle-down economics. It just doesn’t work. Like incentivizing monies stays at the top echelons and the workers never see a dime, praise goes up his ass and stays their while he (pardon the metaphor) farts out a few crumbs of effort to you. Like, in this case, once in awhile doing the dishes. Or not. But then maybe you don’t mind if a roach or two crawls on those ‘soakers’ till the next day.

  93. This article should be titled, how to settle for shitty behavior from a man you want to stay with and convince yourself you’re not upset about it. Honestly, this is totally BS. We all know there’s no way you should be knocking yourself out to make dinner only to clean the whole kitchen after kids go to bed. A caring husband would hear you doing them and come tell you to stop. Women need to collectively go on strike with this crap and refuse to put up with this anymore.

  94. This works great if you can justify your husband’s lack of help because he’s actually “working like crazy” on something worthwhile. This doesn’t work if your husband is literally sitting around naked, watching YouTube videos, and yelling at the kids.

  95. Wow this article is absolute bullsh*t. What kind of abused, brainwashed female believes that “pretending i love picking up hubby’s slack and being a slave so I don’t commit suicide over the real truth” is the best way to go? Is this how stay at home wifeys with no real skills or drive to get a real job think?? “Just keep swimming, as long as I plaster a smile to my face I will keep getting to leech off this mans home, car, and bank account”

    I just…am appalled at what I just read.

  96. I’m disgusted that this article is about lowering your expectations of male responsibility to household cleanliness. Women work harder than men, take care of children, cook, AND clean?

    People, here is the real advise: your husband doesn’t help around the house, you ask him for help and he doesn’t, you tell him what a toll it’s taking on your relationship, and if he still doesn’t help, he doesn’t respect you. So, you start an affair with a younger man, preferably someone he trusts, leave him with the kids, and take all his money.

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